Rescued by Dolphins

How I got the name Dolphina

1999-09-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

You would think that having a near death experience would make a person fearless. Not me. When a friendly group of tourists from Belgium invited me to go sailing with them yesterday , I trembled in my flip flops. You would have thought by the way I responded that they were asking me to walk into myself a swarm of bees. I was about to give a whopper of an excuse when Isaiah walked by. I couldn’t lie in front of him, plus I know he would think it would be good for me. So, poor me reluctantly conceded to go out to sea on a beautiful 41' sailboat with some very cute and single men.

The Belgians had arrived at Brewer’s Bay a few days previously. They moored their sailboat in the bay and rented a few campsites. There were 4 men and 3 women and 2 of the men were single, as one of the women was a sister of one the guys. They took sailing trips all over the world together for the past few years. They were all in their late 20’s, good-looking, cool and fun-loving. They made an impression on everyone at the campsite. We nicknamed them the Bellies. After reading the chapter entitled, “Visitors” in Walden, I decided to be more social with the tourists staying at the campsite. In particular, these tourists. They were fascinated with the fact that dolphins saved my life. I had dinner with the Bellies one night, danced with them at Quitos another night and showed them my tepee.

It had been since my near-drowning accident that I was even near a boat, let alone on one. Granted, this was an exquisite yacht and as opposite of my little dinghy as it gets. I had absolutely no sensible reason to fear that anything remotely close to what happened to me would ensue again. Besides, the reason I almost drowned was directly and completely due to my stupidity and lack of basic seafaring knowledge. Rules like: never, ever leave your boat when it’s unanchored. Nevertheless, I didn’t sleep a wink that night.

We all gathered at the beach at dawn. When they said, “Good morning” to me with their cute accents, I replied, “I’m fine”. Clearly I was not fine.

I do love sailing. I find such beauty in the sport of harnessing the wind to make the vessel move in the direction you want. But I was now afraid of boating. When we motored the zodiac (like my boat) to the moored sailboat, my body was clenched so tightly. In fact, I didn’t relax at all until we were in full sail and was being distracted by some heavy flirting with one of the Belgians named Sebastien. As he began to say, “ I’ve been wanting to tell you since I met you…” the captain yelled, “dolphins!” Everyone dashed to the bow (front of the boat) where the dolphins were riding the wake. I came to find out later during lunch that even though it looks like they are swimming really fast, they are catching a free ride.

“Should we stop?” Everything was happening so quickly and everyone was excited. Within an instant, they all decided to drop anchor, grab their masks, snorkel and fins and had jumped into the ocean. I was standing on deck bewildered and Maarten, who was the captain, asked me why I wasn’t in the water. Justified terrifying thoughts raced through my mind. Then he said, “Dolphins love you, jump in”. I guess they were magic words because I then grabbed my mask (loathe snorkles) and lept into the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean Sea.

The first thing I noticed before I even saw a single dorsal fin was hearing the clicks, whistles and raspberries sounds the dolphins were making. The water was electric with the way they communicate. It was pure exhilaration. I didn’t know what I was doing or supposed to be doing, so I just treaded water with my face looking down into the ocean.

Obviously I was still afraid of the ocean by the way I held onto the rope that was tied to the anchor. Then in the distance of the clear aqua water I saw a dolphin swimming parallel to me. It was so exciting to see him/her undulate that I wanted to scream out to someone, “look!” but I did not see any of the Bellies. Then another dolphin came into view and was swimming towards me. I was smiling ear to ear as he approached me. He was about 6 feet away when he dove deep down into the ocean out of view. It nearly took my breath away.

Then I heard some of the Bellies talking on the boat. The “encounter” was over and was the best they ever had. Unbelievably it only lasted 15 minutes, as the adrenaline made it seem longer. I hopped aboard and everyone was giggling and talking over each other, sharing their experiences. Most stories included swimming around the dolphins in swirling motions, trying to engage the dolphins before they would swim away. Eva said she looked right into the eye of a dolphin and the dolphin was telling her that her Mother would heal from cancer. We all counted and decided with great ‘scientific research’ that there were 11 in this pod (what you call a group of dolphins).

We all took a quick freshwater shower and cast off on our way to our lunch destination. Dolphins dominated the conversation on the way to and during lunch. I was full of questions. I was uncertain of the proper dolphin etiquette, to which Lisse filled me in on all the details. She told me that it is ok to touch them gently if they approach you, unless they are showing signs of aggression such as tail slapping. Dolphins love to play games, but you have to engage them. Don’t make sudden hand movements or try to ride their dorsal fin. The Bellies have discovered that dolphins stay longer if the swimmers are not being aggressive with the dolphins, but rather just having fun in the water. They all wanted to know what I experienced. What I learned today about dolphins is there is something thoroughly amazing just being in their presence. They also lured me back into the ocean.

We were all elated from our experience with dolphins, but there was more excitement to come. It was a Full Moon and of course we had to go to the party at the Bomba Shack! After lunch we set sail, so that we could get a choice place to moor our boat. People come from all over the island, as well as surrounding islands just for this night of revelry, so finding an open anchor spot can be as difficult as parking in NYC.

It had been a great day and luck was on our side. We squeezed into the crowded bay and cast our anchor. Maarten drove us all on the inflatable boat and dropped us on shore, he then swam to shore. I was attracted Sebastien. I started to feel like a typical girl and wished that I had something new (and dry) to wear to the party! This feeling didn’t last long because soon we began drinking the infamous Bomba punch with its not-so-secret ingredient of magic mushrooms.

I was already high from swimming with the dolphins earlier and the beverage made me giddy with just how beautiful life can be! I wanted to be in the water. Scratch that. I NEEDED to be in the water and swimming without my skirt. I tore it off and was about to rip my bathing suit off, too, when Sebastien kindly stopped me. “I need to feel the water all over my body”, I proclaimed. Attempting to distract me from sheer nudity he said, “I want to swim too, my little Dolphina, so let’s go into together”.

That was the first time anyone ever called me Dolphina.

In addition to officially naming me, he was a great chaperone, which can be very helpful on a psychedelic trip. The water felt sooooo good on my skin. I was giggling and swimming around. Suddenly, I had this realization: that the dolphins that I saw earlier in the day were the dolphins that saved me. Then I felt like they were calling me to come out to sea with them. They were sending me a signal. When I wanted to swim out to sea to be with all the dolphins, Sebastien coaxed me to shore.

The party was in full swing with BBQ and a reggae band was playing. I put on my skirt and twirled around and happily danced for what literally was hours. I danced by myself and with others, while Sebastien kept a watchful eye on me. I was flying high and was void of sound judgment. Everyone I met was laughing and dancing and hugging. While I was dancing, someone pointed at me and said, “Hey that’s the girl that the dolphins rescued”. A group of about 12 people made a circle around me while I danced in the center. Sebastien smiled at me and said, “That’s Dolphina.” I was so happy at that moment. Then, I started to freak out that I nearly drowned.

Abruptly, I wanted to go back into the water and Sebastien came with me. He suggested for us just to put our feet in a little bit before going all the way in. I stopped feeling scared. The full moon was rising up and was so magnificent. I stared at it and the illuminated path it made on the water. It appeared like another sign. I am so grateful to the dolphins that saved me and was feeling like I need to swim with them again. Almost like I need to get to know them better – as I would a friend. I made a decision there that I would spend my time getting to know the dolphins better.

The feeling when Sebastien reached out to hold my hand was electric. We held hands while looking into eachother’s eyes feeling the intensity. This comes with the disclaimer (and the rest of the night) that I was seriously tripping, but we were in love instantly. We hugged so tightly until we felt like one or in other words, until the sun started to rise. When the party started to loose steam, we swam to the boat, took off our wet clothes and slept.

Special Birthday Celebration

1999-09-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

To celebrate my birthday last night, after I brought all my belongings and stuffed them into my tepee, I read for the first time in 2 months. I read Walden and began with the chapter my money was in, “Visitors”. It had been so long since I had a book that it was delicious simply to read. To peruse Walden was even more scrumptious since Thoreau’s every sentence is flawless.

Walden was my inspiration for my journey to Tortola, so what he writes is imbued with deeper meanings for me. His words are heard as advice and guidance. I had been so focused on his chapter on Solitude that I neglected that Thoreau actually had visitors in his house he built himself. Visitors are in fact the chapter that follows Solitude. I have been somewhat judgmental about my social behavior, thinking that this was a distraction from what I came here for. What a gift to read this chapter and be reminded of how he enjoyed company, as much as he enjoyed solitude.

One of my favorite lines is about the difficultly expressing himself when his little house was crowded. “ You want room for your thoughts to get into sailing trim and run a course or two before they make their port”. Pure poetry.

Thoreau continues to explore the art of communicating, the challenges and when it is most effortless.

I kept reading the book, skipping the chapter on the Bean-Field and jumped to the chapter on The Village. How delightful to hear Thoreau compare gossip (taken in small doses) being as refreshing as the rustling of the leaves in the wind! I have been so critical of my trips to town or the tourists having too much to drink. How could I, when my hero was able to live off the land, live by his beliefs and still enjoy “the news of the day”?

Thoreau and Walden continue to be my guides. How surprising that I had been holding him up as a beacon of morality (which he is), but today he taught me to lighten up!

Birthday GIft

1999-09-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and I got the most unusual and spectacular gift. Mervin came by this afternoon to tell me to come to the beach for a surprise. I expected my passport or a coconut with a candle in it. The last thing I expected to see was my boat!

My boat didn’t look the same, as it was deflated and had been cut open. Apparently, my boat had been found on St John’s (a US Virgin Island that is nearby). It had deflated and turned into something that resembles a Ziploc bag, protecting most of my possessions. Some tourists found it. When they cut it open, they found my passport. Apparently, they found it about a month ago, but it took me going to the passport office last week for them to locate me, especially since I have been renamed Dolphina by everyone on Tortola.

When Mervin went into the office to validate me, they gave him the boat to return to me.

Here I was looking at all my belongings. Old belongings. My tent was gone, of course. There was my saxaphone, lotions, clothes, moldy books, my rusty lantern and my journal!! I think I was most excited to have the memories in my journal. But most important, if this all wasn’t so incredible already, my money was all there – in a waterproof sailing envelope on page 107 of Walden, the chapter entitled, “Visitors”. It was money to true freedom and liberation of my mind!

More than excited, I was tripping. It was so surreal to see all these items that once were on the floor of my brownstone in NYC. Looking at them reminded me of the boating accident, my near-death experience and the dolphins. The fact that this was returned to me on my birthday did not escape my notice. I know this sounds crazy, but couldn’t help but feel that the dolphins were sending me a gift. I was touched profoundly.

I carried all these items back to my tepee. I thought non-stop about the dolphins that had rescued me. Why did they rescue me? How did they know I was drowning? I had many questions such as these, but I also felt an unexplainable cosmic connection. I felt like they were reaching out to me and trying to communicate with me. I wanted to contact them.

I thought about how they speak with each other and how they talked to me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the hell are you talking about?” I seriously felt like maybe I was going a bit bananas. What I was thinking wasn’t making any sense.

It was finally sinking in that I nearly died and I do think it is appropriate that I would feel gratitude for the beings that saved me, but contacting them? How in the world was that even possible? This was bizarre and teetering on the unknown. How in actuality could I communicate with the dolphins? How could I thank them for saving my life? I had no idea, but I knew I needed to, as I have never been sure of anything before in my life.

Who Loves the Sun?

1999-09-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

I was deep into my depression and going through typical breakup symptoms, without the relief of ice cream. Nothing sounded good to me and the bright sun was almost an insult. Where was a hurricane when you needed one? As the Velvet Underground says in their song, “Who loves the sun, who cares that it is shining, who cares since you broke my heart.”

I was not worried about my passport or even how to get out of my financial hole. Isaiah gave me Rastafarian speeches and quoted Bob Marley to, “lively up myself and don’t be no drag”. Nothing seemed to work and I seriously entertained the thought of returning to NYC.

I took a walk, though it was more like a hike. It was to the top of the hill that overlooks Brewer’s Bay. I hiked hard and exhausted myself to the point that I couldn’t think. It felt great. When I reached the top, I could see the entire bay, and a few bays over. It reminded me when I first moved to NYC and went to the top of the Empire State Building and imagined all the wonderful things that would happen to me there. I felt the same way at the top of this mountain. I knew I wasn’t finished with my adventure in the BVI. I didn’t know what to do next, but I knew that I had more experiences to come. Clouds appeared out of nowhere, suddenly, and it began to rain hard. I laughed at what seemed to be a funny joke that was being played on me. I craved rain earlier, but now that I felt free of my pain, down came the rain.

Validate Me!

1999-09-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

I returned to Brewer’s Bay yesterday in the afternoon. I saw Mervin as soon as my hitched ride dropped me off. He was on cloud nine. Recently he fell in love with a girl that was visiting the campsite from the States. He just received a letter from her that made it clear she felt the same about him.

After my break up, the last thing I wanted to hear was an entire 5 hand-written page love letter aloud. He was so high that he didn’t notice that I had been crying. And hard. But since Mervin has taken such good care of me, there was no way I could not indulge him. I had to bite my tongue not to be cynical when he said all the things they wanted to do together, including that they were going to travel together.

After an hour of hearing of romance, I wasn’t in the mood to be a buzz kill, but I ended up telling Mervin everything that had happened. He felt so badly for me and was optimistic that my relationship with Eddie would work out in a way only a person newly in love would talk. He said he would help me and that he would go to the passport office to validate me.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

1999-09-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

I got approximately 1 minute of sleep last night. After I cried all my tears, I had a big decision to make.

What was I going to do? On the one hand, I needed Eddie’s help and did miss him terribly. I was touched that he has been missing me and don’t want to break up.

On the other hand, I did not want to return to NYC. I do feel unfinished here, like I have just started my journey. Yes, I have learned and grown a lot. I have lived off the land ( for 3 weeks with Eddie) and about a month and a half with Isaiah. I have had great adventures and a near death experience! But it feels incomplete and the thought of seeing my friends in NYC made me feel a bit embarrassed. It is as I spoke of climbing Mount Everest and had to return without summiting.

The thought of my girlfriends gave me the idea to which I finally used as my decision maker. I wished I had my girlfriends to talk it out with. I decided to talk with each of them and imagine what they would say. Samara would probably take Eddie’s side, as she is relationship oriented and always thinks I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Jehan would choose the adventure and that magic will happen regarding the passport and the money. Ing-Marie would ask me what my heart is telling me to do and Valerie would chose safety of having the passport after her own personal Green Card fiasco.

This exercise didn’t give me my answer, but it started the dialog with myself. Yes, I loved Eddie and needed his help. But his help was at the expense of my dreams. I have always lived my life by seeing the big picture and how do I want my life to look like. What would be what I would regret? There is never just one way to do anything – he isn’t the only way to get a new passport, there must be another way. I also know that I have fears, but that I never want them to stop me from doing anything! Finally, when it comes to love, I don’t believe it is that fragile. If Eddie and I truly loved each other, we would be together.

Feeling confident with my decision, I practiced telling Eddie my choice. Of course, when he called, he wanted the simple yes or no. When I said no, he hung up. I cried and cried until my face was swollen to an unrecognizable person.

I checked out of the hotel and walked down the streets of Road Town as if I were in my own private protest from the sixties, “We shall overcome!” I hitched a ride to what I have come to call home, Brewer’s Bay.

Bailed Out

1999-09-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

Naturally, I was grateful that Eddie bailed me out, but talking to him was awkward to say the least. Last we spoke, he let me know that he thought I should return to NYC. Now that he helped me out, it was apparent that his opinion of what I should do should not be questioned. He started off the conversation with giving me the time of the return flight he wanted to book me on to NYC. It was for tomorrow.

It was difficult to change direction of our discussion. I responded with how there were so many loose ends to tie up and that all my belongings were on the other side of the island. This was not my best excuse, since I had so few possessions.

Eddie, who was focused on solutions, was leading the discussion. He seemed to be willing to wait to hear about my ordeal once I was back in NYC. I was trying to slow the conversation down before I ended up back in Manhattan. I told him that there would be a delay with my passport and I couldn’t leave until that was taken care of.

He said that he would call the US Passport office in the morning and push that through on his side. He said I should go to the other side of the island first thing in the morning and pack up my belongings. He said to only take what I need and give the rest to other campers who might want our stove, etc. He said that he would arrange for a driver to and from the airport and I should be able to make tomorrow’s flight

I was starting to feel trapped. Though he was helping me, it was not what I wanted and it was completely on his terms. The thought of returning to NYC made me depressed. I began to cry and said, I said,” but I haven’t done what I came here for”. Eddie’s voice softened. Sweetie, you have been there for 3 months and have met great people, lived in a tree, we lived off the land and you have done what most people never do. “You’re right” I said wiping my tears. He said, “ I am proud of how long you have been there by yourself. You are a remarkable woman, but there are so many amazing things that you should be doing in NYC. It’s time to come home. I miss you so much, baby. It’s been over a month and a half”.

“Oh baby, I miss you, too. Now I feel so torn.” I replied and this set off Eddie. I guess he was being so kind to me and vulnerable that my response just pissed him off. I have never heard him so angry. He yelled and said that I really don’t have a choice. He would not help me if I didn’t promise him right now that I would return as soon as I got my passport.

His rage and threats made me cry. He continued to vent about how he couldn’t believe that I would even consider not coming back and was calling me horrible names. It was as bad as it gets. Then he kept repeating over and over, “I cannot believe you are doing this.” Finally he said, “I will call you in the morning. If you have not come to your senses by then, it is over between us, you can forget about getting any money from me.” and hung up.

Passport

1999-09-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

Love might have made me scared, but I am a strong and brave girl. Eddie doesn’t hold the keys to my dreams and I am not going to let him prevent me from staying on this island. My challenge has evolved from searching for the right bay to live with Eddie to not being deported back to Eddie.

I told Isaiah this morning that I wanted to work this weekend at the Farmer’s Market and make as much money as I could. I also said I wanted to go earlier to the US Embassy and find out about getting a new passport. I am ready to face my fears of authority and become legal.

I didn’t come to this island to become negligent. I just thought I had already dealt with the red tape before I left. I thought that I would come to this island to have my Walden. And I am. It just doesn’t look how I expected. It never does.

It’s been hard lately. I am resisting the lessons that I am given. I want to be spending my time learning from nature. I have to accept that these challenges are teaching me what I need to discover. Most importantly, I need to stop opposing that they are being presented in exactly the way I need to realize them. Just because it’s not in a waterfall under a rainbow, doesn’t mean it isn’t spiritual.

I am now fighting just to stay here. I am getting to the core of my desires of what I am willing to fight for. Back in NYC, I thought I would be on a beach pondering my philosophies. How different this entire adventure has been in actuality compared with what I anticipated. My beliefs have been shaped here by experiences and challenges faced. Its more raw than I originally anticipated and certainly less intellectual. The end result is that my beliefs and philosophies of life are rooted deep within. They are unwavering and known by my entire being, not just my head.

Humbled and Humiliated Part Deux

1999-09-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

I was definitely disturbed about my phone chat with Eddie yesterday. It made my head spin.

Yes, I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t express myself honestly as I had planned. I was frustrated that after being inspired by Isaiah to be brave and take charge of my life, I behaved the same as before. I also did not address my financial situation with Eddie. If I don’t get some money, I will stay stuck in this same situation as I am in right now. I will never be able to pull myself out of just getting by. And if my lack of a passport is ever exposed, I am going to be in real trouble without any money.

I was also hurt by his patronizing comments about my journey here. I know I am focusing on only some of the things he said. After all, he did say he was proud of me and that I have so much talent. These words were lost on me because all I heard was that I was being ridiculous and wasting my time. But there was something else was annoying me to the point of total vexation.

All this time, I have not only wanted Eddie to be with me on this adventure. I wanted him to want to be here with me. Something changed and now he wanted me to come back to NYC just as much as I wanted him to be here with me. What he said resembled an ultimatum.

I found myself irritated and in a serious pickle. I felt like I couldn’t really talk to Eddie now that he was back in NYC. He seems to have changed just as much as I have, but in opposite directions. I have no desire to return to NYC, especially right now. I needed help to stay here and Eddie was the only one who could really help me financially and legally with the passport.

I held out hope that he would change his mind for so long share my dreams with me. I let go of that dream and watched him leave. Now we were really at odds with each other, but I needed his help. It did not appear that I would get this help from him.

I am an independent woman that doesn’t give up easily on my dreams. I went to sleep thinking there has to be a way out. This is just an obstacle in the way of my goal.

Shackles that Bind

1999-09-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling gutsy with the intention of freeing myself from my shackles. Everything went wrong. I snuck past Styles on my way into town, which highlighted my cowardice. I went there to call Eddie today with the intention of telling him about my accident and that I needed money, but I got scared.

I felt awkward because I could tell he was busy, but he was making time for me, since it has been weeks since we last spoke. I could feel NYC and the fast pace, the stimulation that no other city has. I know what it is like when you are there. You have no patience and want everything done right now. I could feel how much I have changed and the juxtaposition of the island versus the city pace made by the reflection in his voice.

I made the mistake of beginning the conversation that I had big news. I felt hurried, as if he wanted to hear the big news I had to tell him and then get back to work. Quickly. I want to live free and clean, but was not courageous enough to stand up to NYC. The energy is just too powerful. I needed time to meander and work up to it.

I decided to share something that made me feel proud, as I was now feeling anxious. I told him that a Rasta taught me how to build a tepee – which was followed by silence. He assumed that Isaiah was hitting on me (never once). Then Eddie made some joke about Isaiah pitching a tent and then said some things that I did not expect.

“Babe, you have done what you wanted to do with living on the island. I am proud of you. But now this is getting ridiculous. You need to come back here for us, but also for you. You have a lot of talent and need to stop wasting your time and do something with your life. If you stay down there, I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t promise anything. I’ve got to run, I have another call waiting. Call me back later.”

I felt so weird after our conversation. Eddie was so abrasive. I know that I wanted to dismiss it as basically a misunderstanding, since he did not know that I really had some big news. I know he asked me return the call, but I returned to Brewer’s Bay instead. Confused.

Living Free

1999-09-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

Isaiah’s words pierced my heart. I got up early yesterday and worked hard, but couldn’t shake his words. Either he was intuitive and was talking directly to me or he is brilliant and knows we all have something that makes us feel caged. My mind is not free about my current living situation. Yes, I can justify that I am living a simple honest life with Isaiah working the land in exchange for my basic needs. This is true and I feel clean in my heart about this aspect of my life. I would never want to have missed this opportunity to learn from Isaiah. Isaiah has forever changed my life. He has taught me so much and filled with beauty, nature, knowledge, healing, growing.

My mind is not free about my boating accident. I have lied and left out truths to almost everyone I know, except Isaiah and Mervin. I have not even told Eddie. I am scared that if I get too close to anyone, they will find out too much information. Then, they will find out I do not have a passport or money and I will be forced to return to NYC. I can keep surviving this way, but in order to get out of this dilemma, I need money.

This keeps everyone at a distance and like I am being chased or hunted. That may sound extreme, but Isaiah was so accurate last night. The definition of a slave is someone who is not free. I have trapped myself with my thoughts and behave as if someone has me in restraints, when it is my own doing. I sneak around Brewer’s Bay when I am getting water or hitching a ride to town. I don’t like living like this.

I know that I don’t want to get deported for not having a passport or in trouble for using the water at Brewer’s Bay. It seems like the easiest way to avoid troubles is just to keep quiet, sneak around and lie, but now that Isaiah has brought this to my attention, I feel like I am deceiving myself – not just others. And I have. I do not know how I am going to get out of my situation, but I choose not to think about it. I am putting my head in the sand, but I want to live free and be true to myself.

Is My Mind Free?

1999-09-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

I haven’t seen Isaiah since last week. He was at court for a hearing and probation paperwork. He returned today and had a lot to say on the subject and the fact that he was a subject of the Queen. The verity that he served time in prison makes Isaiah extremely bitter because Tortola is a white British colony and Isaiah’s ancestors were slaves.

Isaiah talked about his dignity during all the mistreatment he experienced while he had to be in prison. “54-75 was my number and now it is someone else’s number. They can treat I as a slave, but I don’t behave like a slave.”

His diatribe evolved into a brilliant rant about how so many people still act like slaves. “They have the slave mentality. They think like a slave does, but no one is treating them like slaves. They took the shackles off their feet, but now the shackles are on their minds. You aren’t truly free until you free yourself from shame, hopeless way of thinking. You have to take back the power that you give these people. They aren’t oppressing you anymore, you choose to be oppressed.”

It goes without saying that slavery is one of the most atrocious and shameful acts of humanity. I cannot imagine it as my personal history. After 400 years, it must be difficult to change behaviors.

Isaiah has been my mentor here, my shaman and guru. He teaches me daily how to live from the basic necessities to my spiritual growth. I wanted to help him now during his trials. I awkwardly apologized for all of white men and asked him if I could do anything. He laughed, “Child, you are in more trouble than I, you do not have a passport!”

It was a nice moment between us, as he usually doesn’t speak as straight towards me. He often teaches me in a way that is poetic or simple without room for a response from me. I took the opening as opportunity to ask him directly why he decided to take me under his wing. He responded that I reminded him of him in the sense that I am idealistic, proud and funny. I learn quickly. He added that I was wild and someone needed to teach me how to do what I set out to do, or I was going to hurt myself.

He said that he told me about slavery because this mentality is not restricted to his ancestors. Many people enslave themselves to thinking they are oppressed or cannot do something. This they are doing to themselves and I should search my heart and see where my mind is not free.

Today is one month since dolphins rescued me

1999-09-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today is one month since dolphins rescued me. I only know this because Mervin came by to visit early this morning. He reminded me and pointed out that I have not been going to the ocean very much since. I knee-jereked defended myself and disagreed, explaining that Isaiah has been away and I was sewing my tepee.

He was right. There were many circumstances that kept me away, though it takes only 10-minute walk to the beach from Isaiah’s camp! I was working on the farm, and making a shelter, gathering wood and working! However, I had no rules at all with Isaiah and he would never complain if I woke up with a swim or swam at sunset or anytime!

The ocean has been such a healing place for me for all these years. I have had great comfort from powerful oceans such as the Pacific Ocean in Northern California’s Santa Cruz. The irony that I had my most gnarly near drowning was in the peaceful Caribbean was not lost on me that morning.

I continued to talk to Mervin and said proudly, “I am going to the beach now.” He shared with me how the people of Brandy Wine were talking about the rescue. He hadn’t found my boat, but hasn’t been to all the bays in Tortola yet. Sometimes he had to go the office to do paperwork on leatherback turtle tracks that he found or even photograph them. There was good news this month and he has been very busy with the conservancy.

We parted ways once we got to the water’s edge. He had work to do and said he would see me later.

Truth be told, I was avoiding the ocean. Not necessarily because I was afraid of drowning, but because I was avoiding thinking about the rescue and my current situation. Sure, I was learning so many valuable things with Isaiah and I had survived for a month! But I still was in a jam – without a passport or money.

I was also avoiding thinking or talking about the dolphin rescue. Too amazing. Too traumatic. I don’t understand what happened or why they rescued me. Or maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than it is. It’s just part of my adventure. Every backpacker trekking Europe loses their money, passports and has stories of sleeping at the Louvre, right? It’s just another young traveler experience.

There is a Fashion God - Building a Tepee Part Tres

1999-08-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

There is a fashion god. And I was not being punished to live in the same swimsuit and sarong forever. With my earning’s from this weekend’s farmers market, I bought a new hot pink skirt and white peasant midriff top. They aren’t practical like last week’s purchases. They aren’t even sensible to work in the garden or campsite, but I just had to have something pretty.

I also selected several sarongs that are various shades of pink with hibiscus flowers on them. I added these to my few possessions to line the inside of my tent. I spent the day sewing the sarongs on the inside of my tent. I had to be careful not to puncture the tarp with the needle. Otherwise, rain and unwelcome insects would be able to enter my new castle. I had to make sure that I sewed on the where the tarp had a seam.

This project brought out the showgirl in me. I found some shells on the beach that actually had holes already in them. They were nature’s beads. I sewed them together on the bottom of a piece of fabric from the sarong and made handles for the door (one on each side).

I was so into making my tepee beautiful, that I sewed all the way into darkness using a lantern. It reminded me of all the bellydance costumes I have sewn. I couldn’t help but think of bellydancing all those late nights at the Moroccan restaurant I worked at in the Village in NYC. The musicians and other bellydancers and I use to have so much fun every night. We would dance on top of the tables and shake the audience up into a tizzy. I thought of the drum solos with just me and Hassam and I. We were so in synch that we would become one and give the best performances. We loved when the sheiks would come in and they would literally shower us with hundreds of dollars.

I laughed to myself about the time my finger cymbal unexpectantly came off, flew like a flying saucer and shattered a champagne glass to be received by cheers of applause. I thought about all the people that would deny my offer to dance with them, wandering why would you say no, just live life like its your last night! I would dance at so many private parties of the richest people in Manhattan. I would imagine myself to be an ancient dancer when I danced in their penthouse palaces. Memories kept me sewing into the night.

When I finished, I wanted to show someone my creation. My tepee was beautiful!

Plants for Everything!

1999-08-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Isaiah took me up into the hills of Brewer’s Bay to show me all the different plants. Some had surprising benefits, like good for washing pots and pans because it made suds. Others were poisonous and to be seriously avoided, like the manzanillo tree. It has apple like fruit and you could be poisoned just by standing underneath the tree during the rain.

Building a Tepee Part Deux

1999-08-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

I went shopping in town today.

After spending the morning going to three stores, I deliberated on what fabric I would purchase to create the foundation for my home. There were several options, but this was an important decision. Not only was it my first purchased possession, but also its purpose was the most basic of all human needs: shelter.

I never thought I would hear my glamorous NYC ears hear that I was about to spend every cent I had on something hideous and boring. It was all practical and not at all about aesthetics. My plan is to beautify it later. It is more important to keep out insects and undesirables than for my tepee to be attractive. Initially.

I bought a blue tarp, rope and needle and thread. It’s even a little boring to write about it right now.

Having said this cannot deny that amazing accomplishment that I created my house in one afternoon! After I returned from shopping, I sewed the rope to the middle of the tarp and attached it to the tree. I gathered some rocks and pulled out the tarp so that it was tepee shaped. I doubled over a piece of the fabric for an opening. I laid down my sarong as my floor/carpet and slept like a dream.

Calling NYC

1999-08-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

I called Eddie today. I came into town to go shopping for my tepee, but was consumed with thoughts of him. It has been three weeks since he left and I had my boating accident and my entire life has changed, but I didn’t tell him anything about that. It was a very dreamy and loving conversation. He was very happy to hear from me. He said he was hoping that I would have called earlier, since it is up to me to call him. I said that I wanted to call him, but I had to call him from Road Town (which was where I was calling him from).

He told me about his project and how well it was going. I told him I was so happy for him and genuinely felt that way. He said he missed me and was sorry that we parted unpleasantly. I took full responsibility for our fight and I apologized, which felt good. It was healing.

He asked about Island life and I shared with him that paradise never changes too much. He asked me if I had been to the Full Moon party or had met anyone else. This thought had never occurred to me to even go to the party or dating anyone here. I told him that my heart belonged to him.

The conversation turned to sweet nothings as we dedicated to doing our separate passions, but being together. Warmth overcame me and radiated out of my heart. I promised to call more often and think of him everyday at sunset.

Working

1999-08-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

Working this job surprised me. I was doing what every one does to maintain their homes. I was just like anyone else, yet it seemed different because of the way it made me feel.

This job made me realize the value of possessions. It was worth it to me work at a farmers market for a weekend to be able to buy fabric for my home.

I was a bit nervous while I was setting up the booth (table of fruits and vegetables). I was going to be around many of people and have a lot of interactions. My other employment in NYC was bellydancing. When I bellydance, everyone asks me afterwards the same few questions. Most of the time they ask, “Where did you learn to bellydance?” This gave me pause that I would be asked personal questions and I was unprepared to talk about my current life. It was too new.

There were many booths and the market had a carnival type of atmosphere. There was a band playing music and people danced. All the people tending the booths had nicknames. No one was just Joe. There was Piano Joe, JT Joe, Mountain Matt, and Barbeque John. Many booths sold tourist items, as this farmer’s market had the appeal to locals and tourists.

What happened amazed me. Mostly what happened to me. No one asked about my personal life. They simply asked about the fruits and veggies. Some wanted to know how to eat the sugar cane, others wanted to know what a breadfruit tasted like. It was an island novelty for some and for others, their weekly produce.

I was thoroughly in the moment all weekend. During the conversations, I was not thinking of the future or the past. I wasn’t asked to think about where I live, what I do for a living or where I came from. I was completely present and I never felt so alive!

Building a Tepee

1999-08-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Today Isaiah said I should build a home. Yes, I had one that I had been staying in, but it was the shed for all his tools and it was time he put them back in. It was exciting to see all the possible styles of shelter I could build as he sketched them in the dirt with a stick.

How thrilling to build it from scratch, instead of using a store bought tent!

He said that it was more tropical up where we were living. This means there are more insects and rain and a need for a roof and walls that would keep out mosquitoes, leeches and other undesirables. I also would want a roof that had a slant, so that it didn’t gather rain or moisture.

Most shelters included a frame and a different method of weaving leaves in this frame. There must have been 10 styles. I chose the bamboo frame (if we could find any) because it would collect drinking water, too. Since we were not sure if we could find any bamboo, my first shelter I chose would be a teepee.

Nearly all tepees have angled support pieces of wood that are tied together up top and create a cone shape. Then they are covered with fabric, leaves, hides or bark. There is another way to make a tepee and I found this one to be easy. You find a tree, suspend fabric from a branch, give the sides a steep angle and secure the bottoms to the ground. Voila!

The catch in this option was that I didn’t have the fabric. My sarong wasn’t big enough and it wasn’t waterproof. That’s all I had in the way of material. Isaiah said that I could work for him selling his vegetables and fruits in town at a farmer’s market. With my earnings, I could buy the foundation of my abode. It would be strange to be in the “city”, but of course I would do it! I was getting back to the basics.

Missing Eddie

1999-08-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

I was missing Eddie today. The morning began with feeling just a little blue. As the day progressed, I was full out pining for his company. At least that is what I chose to focus my melancholy outlook onto.

It was all over the place. I felt like calling him and telling him that I was missing him at one point during the day. At another time, I felt insecure that he left me and chose his work “over me”. I even had weird food cravings of pot stickers that we used to order at a Chinese restaurant on 7^th Ave in NYC.

I replayed my favorite memories of us down here in the Caribbean. The super romantic moments, in which we stood under the blanket of starlight sky and he declared we were soul mates. I laughed about the time he was imitating me mixing my metaphors. I longed for his touch and kiss. I wanted him to be impressed with me and with how I have been surviving since he left.

Then I wanted him to be missing me and it really hurt. I felt so sad and lonely. I cried as I tended the sugar peas in the farm. At a certain point I thought that I was not going to be able to go on without him.

Then I recognized the unmistakable feelings. You can escape to an island, but you cannot escape PMS.

My First Possession

1999-08-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

I arose this morning to find this journal at my feet! My first new possession! I thought it was from Isaiah, but my first belonging is a gift from Mervin. He wasn’t around when I found it. I am sure it is because my boat has not been found and he asked me what I missed most. I told him my log with all my memories and experiences.

Naturally, I cannot replace the previous days entries, but how exciting to start anew! It started feeling like my birthday when Isaiah said it was Jah’s day (Sunday) and I could have to the day to rest!

I am grateful for my “job”, but I am tired! I welcomed the day off and decided to spend it at the beach writing in my new diary.

I decided to not plan what I would write or style or date or any plans whatsoever. Without thought, I started to write about my dolphin experience. I wrote with the beginning of the day, of how it all happened with all the details and daily facts. I think I wanted to make sense of it. I cannot believe it all happened.

I feel different. Its hard to explain. Being that scared, feeling like I was so close to death makes this world look and feel different. I don’t feel afraid like I used to (I am not fearless, yet). I also feel newness. I feel like I am looking at things for the first time.

I love my new journal! I am going to continue to write.

Starting from Scratch

1999-08-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been hard, yet good honest work. I never imagined my life to be like this or to enjoy it as much as I have.

After I first met Isaiah, I told Styles (that runs the campsite grounds) that I had no money and had been staying in their camp illegally. This was not easy for me. I prefer to be reticent and cagey. Also, Styles has never been very friendly towards me for some reason. He didn’t make this task any easier. He asked where I was staying now, which did not go over well. The conversation ended quickly with I had a week to come up with the money. He was like a loan shark.

Mervin returned and I told him the entire story, too. Though his response was positive, this was not easy for me to tell, either. I am not sure why, except that it was so traumatic for me. He thought it was pretty cool about the dolphins and recalls the other dolphin-rescue story in Brewer’s Bay. He said that he would go around the bay (over the next week) to look for my boat. He did not say one way or another about Isaiah.

Isaiah put me to work right away. It was probably the size of a large garden, but by the amount of work I did, it felt like a farm. He had me pull all the weeds, which was no easy task. I also had to gather rocks that created rows of sugar cane on his hill. I liked being amongst plants and life that nourishes us. I also have a sweet tooth!

What I liked most was starting over from scratch! After the peril of my boating accident was left behind me and I had way to sustain myself, I found profound joy in having no belongings! I know I wanted to live off the land, but I never planned to have no possessions at all. It wasn’t what I planned, but what freedom! The possibilities appeared endless. What will I acquire first? What is the most important item I want? The last time I was starting from scratch was when I was an infant and now I am doing it with the choice of an adult. It was profound and thought provoking.

I thought intensely on the subject while I worked. The work felt good. I liked getting my hands dirty, covered in earth. How long had it been since my hands were in the mud like this? It was a big week for me! It was like being reborn after my near death experience.

All I Own is a Sarong and Bathing Suit

1999-08-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am so stubborn. I would rather be a bit hungry than ask for help. When I am around other people at the campsite, I pretend everything is ok. I don’t let on that I do not have but this one swimsuit and sarong. It is not uncommon for people at this campsite to wear the same bathing suit for days on end and I can tie my sarong in several different ways. I never offer my story and can tend to be guarded.

While deep in within the valley of the bay gathering coconuts today, I met another member of the Rymer family. He is ostracized from the family due to being the “pot grower” and serving time in jail. “I was a subject of the Queen”, he said. He is a Rastafarian and grows “ganja” for his spiritual sacrament. He also lives off the land and showed me his home down the gulch deep within the bay. I was immediately taken with his lifestyle.

All of his relatives know he lives on their land, but they leave him alone. Unlike me, he shared his story instantly. He was born with the name Peter, but rejected his “slave” name and is now called Isaiah. His Caribbean patwah (accent) was thick and he pronounced words in the Rasta way. Instead of me, he said I. He showed me his campsite and his farm, where he grew sugar cane, bananas and marijuana.

To me, he was living the life I wanted to live. It was simple and beautiful. He spoke philosophically and about his beliefs. Then he asked me about me and I spilled the whole thing to him, I somehow just had to be honest and open with him. It was a relief.

After I confessed everything, he talked for a long time. It was a cool cocktail of advice and Rastafarian teachings. He said that I shouldn’t stay in a campsite, unless I tell the owners my situation and am honest. He offered me the opportunity to work on his farm and he would in exchange provide me with food and shelter. He told me that we need to help each other because we are I and I. He said, “ I and I is an expression to totalize the concept of oneness, the oneness of two persons”. It wasn’t in my language, but he seemed to say that his spirituality means that he wants to help me for the simple reason that we are actually one.

He also said that the dolphins rescuing me were irie, which meant good vibes. This has happened before to a man whom a shark was attacking while he was spear fishing just outside of Brewer’s Bay. Dolphins are from Jah (God).

It was the first time I had really thought about the dolphins, being too preoccupied with how to survive. I didn’t know what to think, except I know I almost died and without them, I would have perished.

How could I resist his offer? What other plans did I have? Besides, he felt like a teacher, a master and I enjoyed his company. I made my new home with Isaiah

We ate the most delicious meal with food he grew and picked that night. It made me feel high, but not in a marijuana way. I felt the nourishment of the food. Since it grew to ripeness, it was filled with the most energy. I felt very aware and good. I believed at this point, everything was going to be okay.

The Day After I was Rescued by Dolphins

1999-08-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

I awoke traumatized. I didn’t really know what to do, so I thought something familiar would soothe my nerves. I went to the beach. I put my feet in the water and found that I was a little afraid of the water. I went all the way in, but came right out. I sat on my sarong and thought about what I was going to do. I didn’t want to call Eddie. I didn’t want to tell him that I got myself into such a mess, that I almost died, that all our possessions were gone and I didn’t want to ask him for money. I don’t like asking for help. I am very proud.

It was still early, but I went into the shade under the palm trees. No that knew me would think twice if they saw me here. They would think that one of the other family members had checked me back in. I was safe for a little bit. I took a long nap.

When I was stirring from my nap, I wondered about my boat and what should happen if someone found it. Who knows what condition it would be in, what contents would still be in it, would I be in trouble for being negligent? I decided that the only person I could trust to tell the story to was Mervin. He knew everyone by being raised on the island and he also worked in conservation. Maybe I could ask him for a bit of cash, so I could survive.

Luck was not on my side (or so I thought) since Mervin was away in Virgin Gorda for a few days, working. I survived by eating coconuts, mangoes and accepted every camper’s BBQ invitation.

What the hell should I do?

Should I leave the Caribbean and head back to NYC? It sure seems like all the signs are pointing in that direction. Eddie leaves, I get an offer to work if I return and now I’ve lost everything I own.

Should I become a cocktail waitress in Road Town? It’s a lovely town and I could just work and live the simple life here. I could even save up and then return to NYC.

Should I get my savings account in NYC and live at Brewer’s Bay for the rest of the year? The money would just get me by for the year. I could just make it financially. But this option means I have to tell Eddie or one of my close friends how badly I screwed up.

{I don’t think a thought of the dolphins entered my mind once today.}

The Day I Was Rescued by Dolphins

1999-08-03T17:10:00.001-07:00

The day began relatively ordinary for what became the most extraordinary day of my life. I woke up by myself in a cute hotel in Road Town, which is the main city of Tortola. Eddie left two days ago and in my attempt to not torture myself with memories of him, I hitched a ride yesterday to the populated side of the island for some distraction. I carried all my belongings, checked into a classic Caribbean hotel with a friendly staff and began drinking. Rumor has it that I was doing the limbo and reading everyone’s palms who entered the bar. Good times.

I awoke with a painful hangover and left the hotel to bite the hair of the dog that bit me, so the saying goes. After I had kicked back a few over brunch, I meandered around town. I purchased a few sarongs, bathing suits and some sunscreen. Then I passed by a boat shop. I went inside and found my dream boat that soon became a pipe dream with the price tag of $15,000. I left the store, but my head started to spin (and not from the cocktails I had earlier!)

I inquired with my hotel of where to find a boat within my budget. I figured, I would need money for gas, etc and should spend half of what I had left ($4934) on a boat - $2500. The hotel manager laughed a hearty laugh and repeated my number aloud while he chuckled and giggled. To clarify (I thought), I said, “ this is not for fishing or diving or anything but getting from one boat to another”. He continued to shake his head with snickers. I left, but I was not discouraged. In fact, I was determined.

I felt like lightening had struck me. I was resolute that the reason Eddie left is so that I could live out my “Walden”. It would be my ticket to living out goal off living off the land on a remote island. I got out my stash of cash and set out to buy a boat.

Road town is a large town and there is no hitching here as it is filled with tourists . I must say that it is amazing that Brewer’s Bay, Rogues Bay and the entire other side of the island can be remote with the size of Road Town. This is simply because of the road that leads to the other side of town is so treacherous. I heard that many places where cruise ships dock are like this. Alaska is wilderness, except for where the cruise ships docks.

Soon after I arrived at the marina, I had several options of boats that were even less than my budget. Yes, most of them were covered in patches and hardly looked landworthy, let alone seaworthy. And the owners – yikes! Something about life on the water wears a person down and soon they are missing teeth and have leathered skin. But, I am a sucker for a colorful character. I cannot resist someone who walks to the beat of a different drummer and has had many unusual life experiences. Guess it’s from all the interesting people I grew up around.

I picked the grand prize fruitcake of them all – Captain Willie. He introduced himself to me by proclaiming that he doesn’t drink alcohol, while a bottle of rum stuck out of his pants. No, never touches a drop. He then went off on a rambling tangent which sentiment was lovely about how everyone should stop judging one another. He took off his rasta cap to reveal long dreadlocks and reassured me that Rastafarians don’t drink. I told him all about my plans with the boat. He was the first person that genuinely seemed to not only understand what I wanted to do, but was sincerely encouraging. What does that say about me?

I felt powerful, smart and courageous. The boat looked good. It looked new. He would even help me launch it. All for $2500! I thought to hell with the hotel manager, Eddie, Styles of Brewer’s Bay and everyone who doubted me. I was going to really do it and they would eat their words. Captain Willie drove me up to my hotel and I literally threw all my possessions in the boat. “Good for you”, he said as he drove me to launch the boat. In veracity, I was bold, stubborn, foolish and lucky.

I felt glorious! Having my hand on the motor, driving my own boat was the greatest feeling. I proudly waved at other boats leaving the marina as if I had done it all my life. Fact is, it was my first time, though I have always felt comfortable in water. My first spoken word as an infant was "water." I learned to swim before I could walk. How quickly my arrogance was about to change.

Just out of the marina, I cranked the motor to full speed. I was flying! Then I got out of Road Bay and the waves became large. My saxophone and tent that were gently placed at the front of the boat were thrown into the middle of the boat. Replaying this over in my head, I now remember thinking at the time that this was not good, but I just forged ahead at the same speed. With each wave, there was a hard landing and all my things became jostled. Any decent sailor knows to tie down their belongings, but I neglected to do so (big mistake) and my tent went overboard. I jumped in after it (nearly fatal mistake) and became separated from the boat.

I swam as hard as I could, I tried swimming under water, parallel to the boat, but try as I might, I could not get back to my boat. The current had carried my boat out of my site and I had drifted, too. The tent was somewhat buoyant, though not exactly a life raft. I started to scream out every expletive I knew. My circumstance was bad, but I wasn’t convinced it was dire. I decided to try to swim towards shore, though it was extremely far in the distance.

I swam towards shore. At this point, I was tired. Exhausted more like it. I thought that I was in a pickle and that it was going to be a major hassle, but I was not in danger.

By the time I got near shore, it was too late. The waves were pulling me into the cavernous rocky shore. This is when I got scared, to my core of my being. With each wave, I was closer to the sharp and pointy edge of the shore and I was afraid of being skewered or knocked out. I was trying to protect my head with each wave that pulled me all the way into the caves. One time, I came up for breath too soon and drank a mouth of water. I was coughing up water and it became difficult to tell where the surface of the water was. It was about at this point that I went unconscious.

I think I passed out for a few minutes, though I'm not sure how long I was out.

Things were extremely distorted when I regained consciousness. I was coughing up water and gasping for breath. I did not know what was happening, as all I could think of was trying to get some air. My next moments were panicked. I couldn't tell what was pulling me; I flailed my body around, terrified, only to become more frightened by feeling something slippery beneath me. My mind couldn't comprehend what was happening. I was in shock. I had gone to the edge of desperation about survival and had surrendered to death.

Then, I once I could breath, I felt like I was body surfing a wave toward shore. There was three dolphins swimming briskly, lifting me to the surface. I was near the shore, but they were swimming parallel to the shore. There was a moment of relief that my ordeal was over. I couldn't recognize the bay I was in. People had gathered at the beach, down the bay, the equivalent of a couple of New York City blocks.

They were trying to see exactly what was happening. When I came within speaking distance, a man said, “Jesus”. Then were all saying things to the effect of “can you believe that?” When the water became shallow and I could stand, the dolphins swam away. I didn’t get a chance to somehow acknowledge what had happened or thank them before they were out of sight.

The fisherman and tourists that were gathered at the shore were asking me questions. I am not sure why I lied to them, but I did. I think its because I was so scared and been so traumatized that I felt like I had done something wrong. I told them I was swimming by myself and got pulled by a current. I couldn’t even comprehend that dolphins rescued me, mostly because I was in extreme survival mode. I almost died. I didn’t have anything, except the clothes on my back. I didn’t have even passport. I was so scared that I just wanted to get back where people knew me and I knew people. I decided I needed to get back to Brewer’s Bay.

I had no idea where I was (now I know it Brandy Wine Bay), so I told them I just need to get back to Road Town. No problem, a couple of tourists were on their way to Road Town. Then my plan was to hitch to Brewers. It was getting late and I was fighting the sun, because its harder to hitch after sunset. I had no money and no shoes. I was in a terrible situation, but I was acting as if everything was fine. They all wanted to know how it came that dolphins were rescuing me, but I dashed off with the tourists that were on their way to Road Town and had stopped to take a picture of the view.

I was worried that the tourists would ask me all sorts of questions and I wasn’t prepared for chitchat or talking in general. I was in shock and had one focus. I told the couple it was no big deal that I often swim to that bay and dolphins are common in that bay. This explanation worked and I it was a quick trip to Road Town.

As soon as I said goodbye to the tourists that gave me the ride, I fell to my knees and wept. People stopped to ask if I was ok, and I said I had a fight with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to tell anyone what happened. I didn’t expect anyone to really help me and I thought I had to keep my wits about me to figure what to do to get out of my predicament. I started to walk onto the road out bay to Brewers. I walked for hours, as I cried, thinking of what I was going to do. A car finally came by and could take me further than they planned, because they were concerned about me walking alone in my state. Finally, I arrived at Brewers Bay late and everyone was asleep. I snuck into a campsite and slept a sleep that tethered on the touching the other realm.

Eddie left today

1999-08-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

Eddie left today. I failed with all my girlfriend battle tactics to keep my man at my side. I did what every good girlfriend does when she doesn’t get her way. First I struggled to be supportive of his dreams. Then I tried to be the dream girlfriend, so he wouldn’t want to leave my side. I accidently broke down and cried a puddle of tears a few times. Desperate, I brought us into the court of law and accused him of perjury. Then I did the only thing I could do; create a fantasy that he wasn’t leaving (what others crudely call denial).

I was heartbroken and it hurt. Badly. I cried incessantly. It was the worst abandonment I have ever experienced. I tried to do all the things that made once made me happy, like swimming in the aqua blue water, so clear that you just cant believe your eyes. But it didn’t work. Like the great Velvet Underground song, I thought, “Who loves the sun, who cares that it makes plants grow, who cares what it does it does since you broke my heart”. The sun shining didn’t seem to matter since Eddie left.

I contemplated packing my bags and returning to NYC – maybe I could still do the film I turned down. But this was deeper than just being with Eddie. This was the fact that he left. That he would leave paradise and me! That he had priorities that were so different than mine. I became mad. How dare he?! Then I realized in all fairness, he never wanted to come here for an entire year and live exclusively off the land. I was forcing him into it. How dare I?

I felt dreadful that I had manipulated him so much and because of my behavior, he left with us on rocky terms. I began to miss him. Terribly. Everything, absolutely everything reminded me of Eddie. It was obscene, there were too many memories flooding me. It was ubiquitous where I looked.

Finally, the feeling was insurmountable and I ran into the center of the beach and cried, begging the heavens to help me. I became conscious that I pushed Eddie away. The nature of my pain could not be addressed with any companionship. The pain I speak of is that I don’t trust myself or my feelings or my experiences or my philosophies.

To speak psychobabble for a moment or two: I had projected so much onto Eddie that belonged to my parents. I needed to be a separate entity from them. My childhood was all about their trip and now it was my turn. Yes, I could even believe everything they believed, but I wanted to make that decision myself! What freedom! I slept the night under the stars happily with just myself.

Movies

1999-07-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

I was offered a role in a movie today. It came through a phone call to the main line of the campsite. They had been trying to reach me for over a week. It was something I auditioned for a few months ago, but the project did not have its financing in place. It is a very interesting project in so many ways. It will be filmed in High-Definition on one of the only two cameras exists in the world, in Germany. The film would utilize old film clips (you know how much I love old films!) and I would be super-imposed in color onto the black and white movie backgrounds. I would play three different roles from three different eras.

It is an actor’s dream part. Yet, I don’t know if I want to do it. I have too many questions about acting, about my motives, about art and its purpose that I don’t have answers.

“Art is a lie that shows us the truth about reality” Picasso so eloquently said. It is a powerful and truthful statement, but my question is: does art ever truly change a person’s life? I know that art affects people and provokes endless discussion and analysis, but does it actually evoke growth of the heart and soul? Or is it the people in your life that can make a difference? Is it by witnessing someone who is living their life by their principles that can in fact change how you live your life?

Is it more important to focus on the growth and healing of your soul? Is it then that people are actually affected that is exposed to you and open for change? An artist, political or religious leader can carry with them a beautiful message. They might express it in a very charming, often hypnotizing way, but if they do not practice what they preach, could it still change your life?

I have been exploring these thoughts for quite some time as the urgency I once felt to be an artist has dissipated. The lack of importance for me to perform is due to healthy growth of my soul and some questions I have about the significance of art. It is not for all the other usual reasons, such as hopelessness, laziness, insecurity or desire for security. These questions have preoccupying my thoughts and I really want some answers. I need to know my own internal answers, not the general consensus to these questions. I would surmise that most people would say without question that art could change a life. They could identify at least one creation, a book, movie or song that has altered their path and guided them to where they are today.

I am attempting to discover what attracts me to be an artist. I want to know my motives are to express my creativity. Is the purpose in the result of touching another spirit? Or is the purpose in the process of creating? Or do some people have a burning need to express themselves?

What is talent? And furthermore, what is the purpose of talent? Why does it matter that Charlie Parker can play the saxophone so magnificently? What is the point that Michael Jordan is an extraordinary basketball player? They are masters of what they do, but how does that affect us to listen or watch them? By witnessing this talent, what does that do to us?

What is the role of art?

I need to be able to answer these questions before I can entertain the thought of dancing or acting again. I am saying no to my offer.

Saving the Rainforest

1999-07-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

There is a rainforest on this island! As soon as I found out, I wanted to go. I am so passionate about saving the rainforest. I imagined what it would be like to be surrounded by this entity I have been obsessing about in NYC for the past year!.

Andy and Theo hoped to see the Killi Killi bird, but I was hoping for some answers. I meditated before we drove up to the top of the mountain there that I would be open to the answers. I prayed that I would hear the wise voice of entity that is 30 million years old. I hoped that it would be clear on what I should do to save the rainforests. I have been lost at what exactly I should or could be doing about the destruction of the rainforest.

The earth has many ecological problems, but I believe none is greater than the protection of the Rainforests of the world. It is the air we breathe, it is the lungs of the earth. In addition, there are millions of species that are killed to extinction. Species that have the right to exist, but also might be a unknown cure. The situation is so alarming to me, I just don’t think everyone knows the urgency. I think if everyone knew that it was serious, they would change their lifestyles accordingly and donate their time and money to environmental organizations.

My generation seems to be apathetic and have a general hopelessness. We are the age group that was raised by idealistic hippies (my parents) and then became depressed and angry by the lack of changes. Look at our popular music: Nirvana and Pearl Jam. I will never allow myself to feel hopeless. Either the destruction of this planet’s ecosystem and temperature raising will occur as a massive cleansing and we will cease to exist in this form – or – we need to fight to save this planet!

I had a large-scale plan to save the rainforest that comprised of mostly education and organizing all rainforest groups to create a powerful voice to put pressure on political powers to make it illegal to sell rainforest. All further deforestation would be illegal for any logging, to make room for cattle or for any reason! Non-profit fundraisers for the rainforests are well intended, but have not made an impact on changes.

With all this on my mind, we entered the rainforest. It was wet and cool. I wore everything I owned and was still cold. I found it amazing that such a different climate could exist just minutes away from the tropical beach we call home. We saw many birds, bugs, plants, and trees. It was different than I expected. I thought it would look like it was 30 million years old and more like a jungle, with vines and monkeys.

Eddie was making his usually jokes. He cannot help it; he is a very funny person. I was not in the mood for humor. It felt important to me to be here and I wanted to listen to any messages of enlightenment. I saw a mahogany tree and didn’t recognize it, though I know what it looks like as a table. I know they are endangered trees and I went up to be close to it. My friends were beginning to think I was seriously crazy, but I asked them to leave me there while I talked to the tree.

I asked it, what does a person like me do? I have passion, heart & insight. But I don’t have the power to change things; really what do I have the power of? I have the power over my reality, my conscious and my actions. There must be so many others out there like me. What do they do with these concerns? It is becoming increasingly difficult to imagine myself returning to my old lifestyle in New York City. The purpose of life in NYC seems so out of context to life at the moment. I need some solutions for peace of mind.

The tree was very compassionate with my frenzied plea. The tree told me I was on my journey and that something big was about to happen to me that would change the course of my life, but don’t be afraid. The tree said that the destruction of the rainforests is an important issue, but there is a larger issue for human’s to be concerned about. The tides will change, the next generation will care and they will begin to care about saving the planet in about 20 years.

When my friends returned, I could hardly speak of this super-natural experience. Nature actually answered me! It was clear and it was comforting. How could I tell them that the tree spoke to me? No one would believe me. But why not? Why don’t we speak to trees?

That night, I told them everything. How could I not? Turns out, they told me it was beautiful.

Club Med Party

1999-07-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

With Eddie leaving, I decided to make the most of his time here. I became resolute do all the things I would never do by myself or once I am living in solitude.

Eddie, Theo, Andy, Mervin and I went over to Myetts in Cane Garden for a beach party complete with contests. It was to be a “Club Med” type of day, which would normally put me up on my soapbox, spouting, “How did they miss the point?” But I decided to truly enjoy every minute I had left with Eddie.

Mervin and I swim ritually everyday and we decided that we were certain to win every swim contest. We got ourselves worked up into such excitement with the thought of Reggae music, barbeque, contests, volleyball and winning prizes! When we got there it was a big disappointment. The weather got stormy, the crowd was small and the music was terrible. The worst news of all was that the swimming competitions were cancelled due to lack of entrants. We were devastated!

Very few people entered the corny contests because they were trying to be “cool”, but Eddie and I love any new adventures. Besides the fact that the winner received a case of Heineken beer! The first game was the sack race. There were 7 of us lined up on the beach, the DJ announced the race and the crowd casually watched with slight disdain. Turns out, I am lousy at the sack race, falling way behind. However, Eddie was a great jumper and I screamed when he won! After everyone saw him walk away with a case of 24 beers, all the other contests were full.

We encouraged the master of ceremonies that there were actually enough people to do the swim contest: all 5 of us! We were guaranteed a case for our little commune. Ironically, Andy, the smoker and the long-shot won!

We celebrated all night with dancing, doing the limbo and drinking our prize winnings. It was a classic Caribbean vacation day, one that would normally fill me with horror. I would have found it too pedantic, sophomoric and ordinary. I would have had written pages of how far we have missed the point as human beings! However, since I surrendered into enjoying my precious time with Eddie, I found it delightful, breezy, and just plain fun. I lightened up and I like my new attitude.

Eddie is leaving the Caribbean!

1999-07-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

We returned to Brewer’s Bay today and back to the reality that Eddie is LEAVING! During the dreamy, perfection of the last few days on Rogue’s Bay, I was happily living in denial that he would leave. Now I am in shock. How could he leave paradise? What in NYC could ever compare to what we just experienced the past few days? It’s incomprehensible to me.

He left me for a few hours to go off with Andy and Theo while I cried and cried. It makes me feel insufficient and he is unfulfilled to be with me. I was thinking that he would change his mind after everything we experienced the last few days, in which we didn’t discuss the subject whatsoever.

While he was away, I came up with several plans to make him change his mind. The first idea was to pull away, be very aloof and confident, as if I don’t need him. The next was to be very supportive of him and encouraging him to go. Then, I decided that I would live how I originally envisioned living purely off the land, complete with composting, gathering of water, food, building my own shelter. I would return to Rogue’s Bay by myself. This was my opportunity. I will learn a lot while he is away, being in solitude. I will define who I am with nothing but nature and myself. I realized both of our dreams are separate and the fact that we want to do something different is no reflection of our love for each other.

I shared this when he returned and we became very tender, holding each other so sweetly. We had our first Caribbean dinner party with Theo, Andy and Mervin. Eddie cooked of course.

Magic Mushrooms

1999-07-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

Today greeted us with the most amazing rainbow that extended from the mountain to the sea. It was an omen for the beauty to come. We decided to handle the news we received yesterday by taking magic mushrooms. We picked our own magic mushrooms the other day and created the perfect setting to eat them: the purity of Rogue’s Bay. Its almost cartoonish that out of cows, such sweet animals, poop, grows mushrooms that enlighten your awareness. I said a beautiful incantation to guide us on our journey. I prayed for ourselves, that we learn and grow and are open to understand. I prayed for others, that we learn to give ourselves compassionately and generously to them; to God, that we grow closer to the indwelling and magnificent force. I prayed to Mother Gaia, that we learn to respect her fully and our role in healing the damage and restoring her back to her full glory. And for I prayed for surf. I added that there was no determining order to this prayer and that all of our knowledge, growth and awareness be retained in our bodies to be used daily.

We ate the mushrooms and walked to the other side of the bay. The effects began quickly on our empty stomachs and the waves began to the roll through our bodies before we reached the other side. Eddie and my diet has been exactly the same for a month, precisely. There are many sensations that have accompanied our pure diet and I have enjoyed having a partner to share absolutely everything! We spent our entry into our trip meditating together.

I had another connection to Jack Karouac and Yoko Ono and John Lennon. I felt the good vibes the couple created when they were together. Their love created something greater than just each other’s radiance. I understood and realized the power this energy gave off. I longed for this love in my life and feel like I have found it in Eddie. I want to create an energy that is beautiful and capable of altering minds.

I went into the ocean and swam for probably 5 hours, laughing. The colors of Rogue’s Bay was astonishingly vibrant. I felt such joy and felt like I was on fire. I felt like my laughter was the sun’s love and energy bursting out and coming through me. I rolled in the sand until I could feel the earth all over me.

I realized the greatest euphoria we can feel as people is to reach the next realm, while still in this realm. Religiously, drugs, spirituality, sex, art, science, love, people try any device to feel that elation. Sometimes people feel this euphoria just by connecting to themselves fully or their ‘indwelling God”. This is the first step to visiting the next realm.

I began to realize just how much humans had missed the point. Which is the best way to describe what we’ve done, though at this moment, I didn’t feel human. Eddie reminded me of the truth; that I am human and that it wasn’t a negative thing that I was. My soul chose to come here, in this form. Even with this heart-to-heart talk, I continued with my thoughts of how silly humans are, as if I weren’t one of them. I thought of so many ways that humans missed the reason we are here, since I knew the life I found here on Rogue’s Bay was exactly the point; living in harmony in the beauty of nature.

We amused ourselves with the concept of animals having dating services: Yellow-billed, webbed-footed mallard who loves to fly and eat fish, seeking younger mallard for fun without commitment. We laughed about the TV show, “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”. It seems so ridiculous for people to watch as they sit on their couches from home, others traveling the world, doing interesting things and really enjoying their lives. It seems to really miss the point, which is the thought I was consumed with. When did people become so separated from nature? When did we leave beautiful beaches and live as slaves to things? When did we miss the point?

Many spiritual calendars, such as the Mayan’s believe that human beings are coming to an end. The Mayan calendar ends in 2012 and many people interpret this as the end of spiritual darkness. The earth is almost irreparably destroyed and there might be a battle to save her – or we might transpire as a species. As painful and confused as I am about this, I am also excited and grateful to be living at this time of question and change.

Eddie had disappeared for sometime, while I played my saxaphone. I found him sitting in a cave; looking the most beautiful I had ever seen anybody. His long hair was down, dry after being styled by the salt water into perfect curls. He looked so at home in that cave, as if millions of years had gone by and remained pure and wise as the ancient rocks that surrounded him. We made love until he wiped me out.

Eddie's Opportunity

1999-07-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Though each new day brings a bounty of gifts, some I cherish more than others. I can’t believe the lesson I was given today, especially after yesterday’s entry. No, I am still deliriously in love with my boyfriend, its just that he might be leaving me. I better start off at the beginning of this story.

I know I have grown exponentially each time I have been given a difficult lesson that I initially resist. However, I have grown accustomed to this carefree, island lifestyle that I have been living lately. Today, I don’t want to be challenged, I want yesterday. My mind couldn’t be further away from NYC and the pressures of my old lifestyle. I hadn’t even explored the concept of ever moving back, but now I do not have the luxury of casually investigating the notion. Decisions have to be made and I have been freaked out all day.

While I was casually playing in the sand and sun, Eddie was checking our messages from a lady on the other side of the island. Our form of communication is archaic, in a modern way; we have a friend with a fax machine on the other side of the island who accepts the few that we have received. It was Eddies’ relationship and desire to have this connection to life off the island. I gave the number to my friend Gary only, in case of extreme emergencies only. All the messages are for Eddie always, so I don’t even bother making the trip over to the other side of the island.

The news was about Eddie’s big business opportunity and it was finally moving forward. If he wanted to still take the big break, he would have to be in NYC within 2 weeks! He wants to take it and wants me to move back with him! Quite simply, I am devastated. I do not want him to go and I do not want to go back to NYC right now, either.

Eddie thinks I am crazy to not be happy for him. I want to give him what he wants, but not this. It has made me sick to my stomach.

To solve this dilemma, we decided to take a vacation! We impulsively left to go to our old home of Rogue’s Bay to clear our heads. So, here I am watching my love cook me dinner. Here we are, after we left our free and gorgeous brownstone in NYC to paying pennies to live in a treehouse in the Caribbean to sleep in a volcanic cave. Here we are in my favorite place in the world, taking a vacation from the stresses of life!

Reggae

1999-07-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Since I have arrived in the Caribbean, I have heard almost exclusively Reggae music. Tonight at Quitos, I was dancing and feeling light and breezy when a line from one of the songs hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. It may come across as simple happy music for potheads, but the lyrics of reggae are quite profound. They are rarely silly love songs, but have messages that can literally alter the way you think. The line that affected me so strongly was from the song, “So Much Things”,

“ Don’t forget who you are and where you stand in the struggle.”

Wow. Those are words to live by. You can apply this philosophy to all of your struggles, from daily efforts to life’s greatest catastrophes.”

Most people know that Reggae came out of Jamaica and was inspired by the struggles and beauty that comes out of their island lifestyle. I find the lyrics apply to all of humanity. It is often about prejudice due to their slavery history, but injustice is a universal experience. While addressing the discrimination, the music remarkably inspires dignity. There are classics, like, “Get up, Stand up. Stand up for your rights” by Bob Marley.

Not contrary to this message of empowerment, sometimes the music is about finding the joy that is to be had. The rastas believe heaven is here on earth and don’t wait to enjoy your life. These are happy tunes that remind you how sweet life can be – like in the song, “Three little birds”.

Don’t worry about a thing,

cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singing: don’t worry about a thing,

cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this morning,

Smiled with the rising sun,

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singing sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true,

Saying, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

A significant meaning of reggae music is about uniting all of mankind. It’s difficult to not feel the infectious hope while listening to One Foundation or One Love by Bob Marley.

Got to build our love on one foundation.

There will never be - no love at all;

There will never be no love at all.

Got to put aside the segregation

Got to put aside the organization;

Got to put aside the denomination.

There will - there will never be no love at all;

Or the great Redemption song that speaks of true empowerment of yourself over others:

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery

None but ourselves can free our minds.

Have no fear for atomic energy,

cause none of them can stop the time.

How long shall they kill our prophets,

While we stand aside and look?

Some say its just a part of it:

Weve got to fulfil de book

Bob Marley was indeed a prophet, but there are other great reggae musicians with a powerful message, like Jimmy Cliff. The soundtrack to The Harder they Come is one of the greatest soundtracks of all time. Every song is a classic and takes you on a journey. A song that has helped me when I feel lost on my way and tempted, but gives me the courage to keep going and doing the right thing is: Many Rivers to Cross.

Many rivers to cross

But I can't seem to find my way over

Wandering I am lost

As I travel along the white cliffs of dover

Many rivers to cross

And it's only my will that keeps me alive

I've been licked, washed up for years

And I merely survive because of my pride

And this loneliness won't leave me alone

It's such a drag to be on your own

My woman left me and she didn't say why

Well, I guess I'll have to cry

Many rivers to cross

But just where to begin I'm playing for time

There have been times I find myself

Thinking of committing some dreadful crime

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross

But I can't seem to find my way over

Wandering, I am lost

As I travel along the white cliffs of Dover

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross

And I merely survive because of my will...

There are so many great reggae songs, I could go on and still leave out an essential one. I decided to end (it’s late!) on the song that encourages me to be a better person. Thinking about it and listening it to it now to transcribe it, makes me feel like it is so much more than a song. It is a lesson on how to live. Its called Pass it On.

What your hands do,

It's your own eyes that've seen.

So won't you judge your actions

To make sure the results are clean?

It's your own conscience

That is gonna remind you

That it's your heart and nobody else's

That is gonna judge.

Be not selfish in your doings:

Pass it on. (Pass it on, children)

Help your brothers (help them) in their needs:

Pass it on.

Live for yourself and you will live in vain;

Live for others, you will live again.

In the kingdom of Jah,

Man shall reign.

Pass it on;

Pass it on.

What's in the darkness

Must be revealed to light.

We're not here to judge what's good from bad

But to do the things that are right.

On a hot, sunny day,

Follow the shadows for rescue.

But as the day grows old,

I know the sun is gonna find you.

Be not selfish in your doings:

Pass it on.

Help your brothers in their needs:

Pass it on.

Live for yourself, you will live in vain;

Live for others, you will live again.

Full Moon Party at the Bomba Shack

1999-07-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

Every Full moon in Tortola, there is a huge party at the Bomba Shack. The shack itself is only about 500 square feet made of driftwood, but people come from surrounding islands and plan their vacations around this giant celebration held on the beach surrounding the shack.

I had been hearing about this amazing party and couldn’t wait until the next full moon here. I heard everyone trips on magic mushrooms at these parties. As a child, growing up in San Francisco and Morocco with alternative parents, I had heard about hallucinogenic magic mushrooms. Eddie told me that they grow from cow patties, but when we walked up to the pasture on the hill, we came up empty handed. Eddie explained that they grow in the same place, from the same patty, if the weather is moist. He showed me the poisonous mushroom that we should avoid.

I wasn’t in the mood for a wild party like in NYC, but I did not know what I was in for. People came from all walks of life – old, young, rich, bohemian, locals, travelers and the atmosphere couldn’t have been better! it happens every Full Moon – this felt special, as if it were a genuine happening that people speak of like Woodstock. I find it extraordinary that on this one night, at this one humble place, hundreds of people gather with no boundaries.

New friends we made, Andy and Theo had picked some of their own magic mushrooms and offered some to Eddie and I. Eddie decided to refrain and be our chaperone, but I decided to have an experience.

Eddie danced for hours to the steel drum orchestra – complete with 4 sopranos, 4 altos, 4 tenors, 4 baritones and 4 base steel drums. They also had congas and other drums in this enormous group that you would imagine sounding cacophonous, but was the most beautiful sounding ensemble! We all roared with laughter, finding it the most absurd image when the band packed up a small truck with all these drums. Knowing the steep hills this truck would climb with the instruments, we amused ourselves thinking of the sound they would make as they tumbled out of the truck down the hills of Tortola.

As I got higher from the mushrooms, the night felt like I was in Jack Kerouac novel. I felt connected to him in a way that my life was in actuality just like his. Everything in my life was a stream of consciousness and rambling perfection. I had long admired him, but now realized there it was simply a matter of perspective that the mushrooms were giving me.

Eddie and I took a walk alone down the beach and shared some very intimate moments. We laughed and just enjoyed the closeness. As we passed by Sebastians Hotel, He said, “ I am falling in love with you all over again. I knew what he meant because I feel the same way with him. Our relationship inhabits many realms and this one is this innocent, young love in which we fall in love all over again and again. We were hugging and loving eachother when we felt another presence with us. We looked down to see the sweetest old dog. This dog was really old and the wisdom and charisma of a guru. We spent so much time with him proclaiming our love for him.

We finished the night, which was now dawn with a swim. We giggled until we couldn’t breathe. As I went to sleep, I wished that the knowledge I experienced this night about love, magic and happiness would shine a light on the rest of my days. It was such a wonderful night, but I didn’t want to remember this simple as a happy trip. It was a great night!

The driftwood shack has signs painted by a man named “Bomba”. The signs are how to have a good time at the full moon. People leave personal belongings as momentos. It is thoroughly charming. People line the shack eating barbecue and the entire beach that surrounds it. Psychedelic mushrooms are only illegal when sold in Tortola, but vendors with trays of mushrooms calling out like a ballpark vendor, “mushrooms!” It is, however, not illegal to imbibe magic mushrooms!

Thoreau

1999-07-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

Thoreau has been my hero and my inspiration for this experiential journey into nature I am on. When he went to Walden Pond for two years, he wrote a book, which would eventually become his philosophies, his own guidebook to life. That is what I want for myself. His journey into Walden Pond was a journey into his spirit. His comments about society and nature as just as relevant now as they were then, though so much has changed since then: automobiles, plastic, television, telephone, airplanes, rocketships, computers, refrigeration. Those previous items are not destroying the planet per se, but rather the insatiable desire human beings have for comfort. Our desire for comfort has moved us further away from nature. We have removed most of our natural predators and those annoying bugs. Most people now live in an urban setting.

The human race has never been more interconnected in all of its history. Our communication runs at a rapid speed and we know what is happening around the globe at all times. Its potential is phenomenal. However, we have never been more disconnected with nature, most people living in an urban setting. Every aspect of life on this planet is profoundly altered by the way our culture has organized its business of its existence.

Feeling frustrated, helpless and confused on exactly how to live my life by my philosophies (most of which are being discovered now) in a culture where every action seems to support the destruction of the Earth, I sought refuge, clarity and answers by living thorough in harmony with nature. Fortunately, I will have many more days and nights here to experience nature’s lessons that will lead to some answers. I want enough answers to get some direction on how to proceed in this world, as we know it. I am lost.

I still want to be a part of society because I love humanity! I know I still have a lot to learn from people, therefore I do not desire to live out all my days of my life here on this island. At the moment however, I do not know how I would live once I return to the civilization.

It seems as if the damage done to the planet has already gone too far and there is no turning back time. The rainforest are disappearing and soon we won’t believe be able to breathe. The landfills are filled with garbage that may never biodegrade. People are now attempting to recycle their bottles and cans, though large companies neglect their own responsibility of using recycled materials. On cans of coke, it says, “Please recycle” as if it is the consumer’s responsibility, as if we have the capabilities of melting glass and aluminum in our kitchens, next to our toaster and coffee makers. They killed the electric car and we are using up our oil so fast, soon we will run out and not be able to fly anywhere anymore.

So what is my responsibility? Do I continue to live in harmony with nature, as just one person in a sea of pollution, but living according to my philosophies? Or do I volunteer and dedicate my life to organizations that work to change the direction of the destruction? Or has it gone too far and should I just enjoy my life? Human’s inner-spirit must change in order to have a profound affect on their behavior towards the earth. Do I pray for change? Do I do it all, or I do I do none? Will we just end up like the dinosaurs, our death a mystery to future forms of existence? Or will we completely annihilate the planet and energies will become some other realm? Or will us humans over come this spiritual darkness to save the planet only to read about this time in history as the most important war ever fought? Not for country’s territories or religion, but the war to save the planet? I pray for the latter comment and the wisdom to accept all the different possibilities of perfection.

All these questions have been on my mind for quite some time, long before this journey into nature was a concept, but have consumed my thoughts today. Eddie and I discussed the omnipresent earth crisis. Over population and the earth seems to be headed towards some drastic change. He talked about some theories of politics being evil, but I believe that another human may be able to hurt my body and heart, but never has the capability of touching my soul. For these reasons and many others, I would like to start my own tribe, dedicated to peace and to the earth. I know from my childhood that communal living has many obstacles, but I am still idealistic in the concept of finding a secluded piece of land to live according the groups political and spiritual philosophies.

Eddie and I discussed these dreams of mine and he is interested, but he, “has something he needs to produce”. I must respect his desires, though it is difficult because we are at different places. He desires R&R before he begins a project back in NYC. I am here to explore further and further into myself, and the NYC me has become a blurry remembrance of an old me. I love him, no matter what he does for a living, but I certainly wish he had different goals.

Whilst I contemplate the salvation of mother Gaia and my responsibility, asking the universe for answers and exploring the possibility of developing a new society, Eddie also ponders. He keeps in touch with his contacts in NYC through a phone at the main camp and involves many large corporations. It is becoming more of a reality and one of the large corporations involved is Mitsubishi. It is flattering and exciting for Eddie, but bewildering to me because the company is the single largest loggers of the Brazilian Rainforest. Eddie doesn’t feel he has the power to eliminate such an economical possibility at this point in his career. I feel that human’s cannot wait until they are in the perceived position to make a difference. You must follow your beliefs NOW!

Although no decisions needed to be made today, the possibility of needing to make this decision weighed heavily on Eddie. I cannot force my beliefs onto him. I want to guide, but never force. I realize it is tough for him and I was compassionate.

Creativity

1999-07-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling somewhat settled in my home, I ventured off to live one of my fantasies and play my saxophone on the beach. Playing the saxophone is one of the things I can say I purely enjoy, but then again, I enjoy so many things. This is so true, that often people tell me that what is holding me back from succeeding. I have so many opinions about success; success according to others and success according to me. My personal philosophy on success is surmised in Jackie Robinson’s famous quote, “A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.”

I have never been more confused about my career than I am right now. I was always ambitious, but giving up my profession to live here has given me the feeling of freedom too good to not acknowledge as a good thing. My desire to succeed– and I use that term just how the dictionary defines it: 1) achieve attention 2) gain fame, wealth or power 3) make significant progress was so overbearing for most of my life that I believe it clouded my capability for any real joy for what I was doing. I gave up a potential acting career, with a high-powered agent, jobs and connections to come down here. I took myself off the track. I couldn’t be more thrilled. My attraction to acting was so convoluted with feelings of wanting to prove to the whole world that I was ok. Once I began to address these issues of inadequacy, acting was no longer enough. Of course, there wasn’t all bad memories and what I learned as a creative person, I can apply to any art form from music, to dancing to writing.

I know that now I despise acting and am ashamed to say that once I as part of a group that are so riddled with insecurities that they endure great hardships just to prove how wonderful they are. I suppose not everyone is exactly like me and did not have the same motives in acting.

I also know that if I chose, I find my description of success in anything I chose. Everyone can.

Saxophone brings me great joy. It was destiny that I play it from the minute I was given the sax after my other friend Eddie said I could be in his surf band if I learn to play the sax. I was playing by that Friday night! It was magical and makes me feel magical, but does it have to be more than that? Does it need to be my career? Should we hold up anything that we have a gift or love for as our way to make a living? Isn’t it enough to be able to do what we like to do?

I played my saxophone at the other end of the beach and enjoyed myself immeasurably.

Water Baby

1999-07-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am a water baby, not by definition, but by spirit. I wasn’t born into the water, though I believe in the benefits of water birth. I did swim before I walked and my first word that I spoke was, “wa-wader”. People either feel comfortable and at home in the water or uncomfortable or downright frightened of the water. I NEED it. I have always been a swimmer and even competed for a time. I have surfed, water-skied, scuba-dived, sailed, rowed, river rafted. You name it, if it’s in the water, I have either done it, or would. I would sail to Tahiti on a cupcake.

I never felt comfortable competing or even counting laps. Swimming is my form of meditation and nourishment for my soul. I feel like I am once again the womb and able to nurture myself maternally as I wasn’t efficiently cared for as a child. The ocean in particular is a source of energy of a magnitude almost incomprehensible to me, providing me with enlightenment, sustenance, and strength. Just to be near the source, hearing its rhythmic pulse of the waves is necessary to my soul. To immerse myself in water is submerging my body, my mind and my spirit is going home.

I haven’t truly swum since I have been here. Of course, I have been in the ocean, everyday, several times. I’ve snorkeled, cleansed, surfed and played in the ocean, but I haven’t swum for miles on end. Not a black line to follow like the pools in NYC, but a live coral reef to watch as I swam from one side of the bay to the next. Needless, to say, it was the most extraordinary swim, feeling a part of the underwater world.

Living in a Tree

1999-07-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

We have now made a new home in a treehouse in Brewer’s Bay. Although someone originally built this sweet home in an almond tree, we are going to add to it to make it feel like our home. The pathway is severely overgrown, since the original occupant moved out long ago. It has so much lush foliage surrounding it that it is completely hidden from any other camp on the grounds. I must admit that (since I was so attached to Rogue’s Bay) it is thoroughly enchanting. So much so that we have named it the Enchanted Jungle. It is only moments from the sandy beach and warm aqua colored ocean, but has a jungle environment. There are many banana, papayas, coconuts and even avocado trees at our ‘doorstep’. It feels so different to be elevated with my feet dangling over the edge of our ‘porch’ just outside the tent. The perspective is that of another tree and feeling the leafy branches blow around with the trade winds is one of the magical feelings I have ever experienced. One I would not have chosen to sacrifice to live again in Rogue’s Bay.

There were many blessings during our grace before our meal tonight. Even though I have been a vegetarian as long as I could make the decision, I believe in the Native American Indian philosophies of hunting. They do not kill animals gratuitously and they take on the energy of the animal they killed. They kill responsibly. I will eat meat if it is done this way. Eddie had caught his first fish since we arrived. He had been out spear fishing many times, but could not catch a fish until today. It was a beautiful Rock Hind and he prayed and gave thanks to one of his brothers who gave his life to nourish our bodies. It was a beautiful experience.

Treehouse

1999-07-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

I say with mixed emotions that I will be moving again. Most probable we will move into a treehouse that someone built at Brewer’s Bay. I am becoming conscious that as I search for a home in the Caribbean for my experiment, that wherever I am home. I was very attached to Rogue’s Bay and the concept of living there. Because of its beauty and isolation, it represented the idea I had after reading Walden. However, it really is just an attachment not necessarily true or based in reality. I could be justifying the fact that I am giving up my dream and that is depressing. Unknown.

As fond of as I am about the finer things in life, I always feel relieved when my favorite possessions are lost or stolen. I no longer need that attachment that begins to burden me. I have many belongings still in San Francisco and New York City. It is liberating to have just a few items with me right now. How nice to be a gypsy, traveling from place to place with what I can carry on my back. Settling down for the comfort of security sounds like such a compromise that it borders on subjugation. Actually how many belongings would a person truly possess if they had to literally carry them on their back everyday? The more personal effects a person owns, the heavier the burden is. Even if you don’t actually carry them on your back, there is the encumbrance of protecting them from being stolen or time spent cleaning them. We gather and hoard our “treasures” when the most magnificent treasures could never be owned or gathered.

There was an awesome storm today, forcing us to look up into the sky filled with lightening. Look and listened we did. It was the beginning of a hurricane. Combined with the fact that the motor on our boat was not working and the severity of the storm, we were kept at Brewer’s Bay all day and possibly for another day and night. We were not expecting this naturally, how could we? We only have a few belongings with us and all of our possessions are improperly stored at Rogue’s Bay for rain. Momentarily, I worried about my stuff being blown away or destroyed. I judged myself for having this feeling, for although our property is precious to us, we really didn’t need them. Ultimately, there are no material creations that are essential to my existence.

After I pondered possessions, I decided to cheer Mother Nature on. I ran onto the beach in the rain. I told her to speak with her brilliance, that I am listening to what she has to say. I wanted to see her growth and power. I said aloud, “ show me your magnificence, my eyes are open to see.” I was ready to understand her mysterious ways. I surrendered to the path that was being laid out for me. I was finished with fighting.

Utopia Threatened

1999-06-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

The bright sunshine woke me up early this morning promising another glorious day in paradise, or so I chose to believe. Mervin was coming by to pick us up so go into town to get our food supplies. A light quick rain soon followed. Rain MUST always be welcome when you are living off the land and need water to drink. We need to now make sure we store the water in the reservoir properly this time.

The mosquitoes were the last straw for Eddie. He is not happy living here. I came to the conclusion today that to avoid disappointment, I need to not hold too tightly onto plans. Promises are a difficult thing to keep and my disillusionment in promises reached epic proportions today. Eddie’s desire to move has been growing. He would rather live at Brewer’s Bay, the campsite that we started out living in. He doesn’t want to rough it anymore.

After a painful boat trip to Brewer’s Bay, the owner of the campsite, Styles, greeted us. He informed us that where we were living, Rogue’s Bay was illegal and not only did he know about our residence there, but so did fishermen. He added that before we got any deeper and were deported by the tourist bureau, we should get a place to camp with him. It seemed like a sales pitch to me, but Eddie was taking it as ‘friendly advice’. My reaction was to head back to our bay and stop talking to him. He knows too much about us and his motives aren’t friendly. Everyone else told us it was legal because the British Crown believed that no one can “own” the beach. Even Mervin, who works for conservation for Tortola said it was ok. Mervin told us about the bay when we were looking for a destination. I trust Mervin.

Eddie wanted to move and I was beginning to feel that Tortola was the wrong destination for my dream of living like an Indian. I blamed Eddie for bringing me to this island, since I originally had reservations about the surfing here and he had talked me into it. He said the most important thing was we were together, but I wanted my dream. Fiercely. Kim (the girlfriend of Dillinger) was moving and selling her car. Eddie wanted to buy the car and sell our boat and move into Brewer’s Bay. My dream was falling apart before my eyes.

Paul, a man who had been living on the campsite for 2 years, who I had met briefly a few days earlier, came to chat with us as we tried to call the boat shop to inform them the motor wasn’t working properly. When we found out the boat shop was closed for the pending hurricane that was coming down from Texas, Paul invited us to his campsite. I was rattled by all the troubles that were bombarding us. Eddie and I chose to interpret everything the opposite, though I do admit, he was trying to rescue and protect us. We were not getting along. Something ominous did seem to be happening and I didn’t feel like being social.

But arriving at his campsite was what I needed to experience. Paul’s ‘campsite’ was magical. It was unexpected and unlike anything I had ever seen! The long path to his site was lined with conch shells and cultivated shrubbery that looked wild and tropical. He had three tents, one for the master bedroom, one living room and a guest bedroom! Each pathway to each tent had a manicured pathway. The master bedroom had a king size bed with satin sheets. He didn’t actually have a toilet per se, but a bathroom to put our shower to shame. He had an incredible garden in which he grew string beans, tomatoes, spinach, succulents and many exotic flowers that eventually made it into the pathways. It looked like a jungle, but felt like a peaceful zen garden. There was a wicker couch in the living room. The kitchen couldn’t be more deluxe: a dining table with homemade candelabra, a tree that had every imaginable utensil dangling from it and a refrigerator! He had tapped into electricity and had lights, which had lampshades made from gourds/calbasa fruits that were hand painted with hibiscus flowers by his wife. He even had a radio and cable tv! Even though they were modern conveniences, which I have chosen to abandon, what he had created out of normally discarded items was amazing to behold!

Paul is such a crazy dude! He informed me when we first met, that he was a ‘nudist’ too. Did I mention he is about 60 years old? He lived on an island in Clearlake, California for 20 years and had to move to a warm climate for health reasons. He told us that “just because you don’t want to live in what other people call so-called reality, doesn’t mean you have to live without the comforts of life.” These words rang in my ears like a sign of some sort. He also told us that Dillinger was a thief (no surprise) crack addict(big surprise)! Paul said he moved all the way to this island to get away from that same problem of a drug-addict neighbor, only to find it next door again!

It was a treat to visit his campsite and gave me a needed break from my drama and an emotional lift. I said to Eddie that it should be in an issue of “Better Homes and Gardens” and he replied, “Better Campsites and Treehouses”.

We got a ride into town to get our supplies and got into a horrible fight. The worst fight we ever had and I decided our relationship was over! How could this be happening? Tears and pushing, hitting and chasing followed! It seemed something terrible was evoked and we were headed to total separation. It was over the concept of living off the land. We wanted different experiences and neither of us wanted to budge or compromise. I also think we adore each other and don’t want to have opposing desires. How tragic!

We hitched a ride back to Brewer’s Bay. (did I ever tell you this was a dirt road?) and we shoved close together by the jostling of the steep and narrow hills on the only road to this side of the island. When we returned, Eddie and I began tot madly kiss each other as it evolved into passionately aggressive sex. Post-coital, we began to talk about our near future. I wanted to return to Rogue’s Bay and he wanted to stay at Brewers. It was a gigantic dilemma and at our climax, the hurricane hit. The rain was unlike anything I had ever seen! I cried in the rain, while Eddie found shelter in a tent.

I felt so lost, not knowing whose voice to trust. I wanted to live off the land. I believe no one can own the land, it being Mother Earth and she is a living entity. If it was illegal to live in Rogue’s Bay, then was willing to practice the Thoreau’s philosophy of Civil Disobedience and accept the consequences? Was willing to make a political point? Should I live out this journey alone? The journey of completely abandoning society and all that I believe hurts the earth? This is the single most difficult moral predicament I have ever faced. I cried and begged for Heaven’s mercy. Eddie came out of the tent to bring me in with him. We made the most tender love all afternoon. At this crazy moment, we decided to get married! The rain kept us in the tent and we cuddled close. It was extremely romantic and I decided tonight to give my exhausted heart and soul a rest before I decided which direction I would follow. Or should I say, lead?

Mosquitoes

1999-06-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

Apparently I haven’t read every survival book, or at least properly. We should have covered the water reservoir because we apparently created the perfect storm of mosquitoes. They have appeared at an alarming rate. They devoured both Eddie and my feet the first few nights in Brewer’s Bay, but we eventually stopped scratching. They didn’t exist on Rogue’s bay until we unknowingly left our water out to create the perfect habitat for them.

This prohibits us from doing anything outside of the ocean or secure tent. They have become an enemy army. First they attack with their whiny little buzz in your ear. Then, I search for them flailing my arms everywhere. I usually end up hitting myself really hard without harming these evil creatures from hell.

Earlier, I tried a different approach that proved catastrophic. I decided to try mind control, using the mind body connection. So many people claim that these beasts do not bite them. It worked very well in the sense that I am now the most bitten person I have ever seen.

The day was spent running from them and the night is spent trying not to grab a fork and beginning scratching with this utensil. The worst part is: I don’t know how to end the agony. I do not want to compromise and use chemicals. Substances like OFF damage the oceans, rivers, forests and our bodies. I wont use it.

These chemicals are against all that I believe in and use of them supports my theories of how people became separated from nature. I understand its all for some comfort. We search to soothe the mosquito bite now and use some chemicals that damage the earth in their making and are carcinogenic to us. We sacrifice nature for our comfort. But if I compromise my philosophy now, then the line will continue to move until I don’t have anything that I believe in or stand for.

There must be some natural substance that can heal these bug bites. There is always a plant for everything. I wish there was a medicine man on the top of the hill that had all the knowledge of his previous generations to impart all the plant remedies that they had come to know. I would like to compile a book of all these remedies. I wish I knew the lesson to learn from this. Who could have imagined that mosquitoes would be our fiercest enemies?

Building a Fire from Scratch

1999-06-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

I am a disaster in the kitchen! Any kitchen. In the past, I have survived on restaurants and I am ashamed to say, take-out food. I am feeling guilty because take-out food is responsible for so much waste. If I ever return to urban life, I will either dine at the restaurant or carry my own container for take-out.

Living this lifestyle, I have come to realize eating is one of the most important things we do in our lives. For Eddie and I, the act of eating consumes most of our days: gathering and preparing our meals and properly disposing of our waste. Of course, in the urban life, we rush around eating “bars” and in our cars. Eating is a nuisance in our minds. In reality, what we take into our bodies is the most sacred thing we can do. We are what we eat, what else could we be?

This may not sound like the biggest deal, and it isn’t compared to the other fears I will face, but I decided to take it on. I panic at the thought of cooking. I do, however, like the idea of preparing food to nourish my loved ones and me. I really don’t know the source of this fear or what cooking represents to me, but I fright at the thought of me at a stove. Eddie always cooks. Always. He is a delicious cook and

When I met Eddie, he didn’t mind my lack of talent as a cook and shared his gifts of gourmet-natural cooking. Mostly he teases me or encourages me to learn to cook. I am thrilled with his delicious talents and could live happily eating his cooking and no other for the rest of my life. However, I would like to experience the spiritual element of nourishing myself. I already have grown psychologically from the act of gathering my own food. Today, I decided to face all these fears and learn to cook. I am afraid.

This morning I gathered many branches of different sizes and I built a structure that became my fire. It is astonishing that this fire is the sun’s energy that was stored in a tree, now released. I put a pot of oats with water from our water supply and made a cereal that fed both Eddie and I. It was unremarkable in everyway, except that I had made it. In fact, it is what we have eaten most mornings, with fruit that we gather.

Eddie doesn’t like all the work involved in building the fire, nor the smoke it produces and often longs for a camping stove, but I find it a significant part of our lives down here. I like the idea of all the time and work it requires. It feels healthy and natural, as I watch animals around us do the same thing. I watch the pelicans soar over the water, following a fish until it dives down into the water. It bobs up to float on top of the water without a fish. He immediately flaps his wings to take off in flight to try again. It is perfect.

Building a Shower

1999-06-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

The sun came out and we had survived our first storm. The rain finally stopped sometime during the night. We slept a few hours and woke to find our little campsite trashed. All of our belongings were scattered all over the beach. There were a few pots floating in the ocean.

The good news is the reservoir was full and still intact and we now had plenty of water. We also don’t have that many things, so we were able to clean up in less than an hour (though I was not looking at a watch).

Eddie began to build a sheltered area next to our tent.

The storm awakened an opposite side to my personality. Just because I wanted to leave society and be submerged in nature doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy luxury. It is true that because of my bohemian childhood, I am comfortable sleeping on the ground. I also have traveled throughout the Middle East, performing for very wealthy Arabs that exposed me to comforts that were lavish beyond imagination. Having a taste of this decadent life left a significant impression on me that it’s essential to have a bit of indulgence in my life.

I am in the ocean almost all day long. Being in salt water and so near the beach, nothing is ever truly dry, including my hair. The salt water dries out my skin and having a freshwater shower from standing out in the rain yesterday felt so refreshing. It made me crave to go to a spa. Sometimes you necessity is the mother of invention and you have to get creative with the materials you have. I have plenty of water, so I decided to make a shower with warm fresh water.

I didn’t want to interrupt what Eddie was working on, so I set out to create a spa day on my own, not realizing what I was getting myself into. He just laughed at me as I went off with pots and pans.

My first idea was to scoop the water directly from the reservoir, thinking that is would be warmed by the sun, but it was tepid. Then, I boiled some water on the stove and carried it up to the little area I made for the shower. This didn’t work because it was very hot and came out too quickly.

My next idea was great, but would require some specific equipment that might ruin some of our food supply. My plan was to poke holes in some cans, then heat water in a pot to a nice warm temperature over the fire. Then pour the water into the cans hung them from a rope suspended from a tree and the water would come out more slowly and warmly.

Just as I was about to empty all our bean, tomato and veggie cans, Eddie came by to ask what mischief I was up to. I enthusiastically shared my grand spa idea. He agreed that it would work, but said that he would help me do it once our cans were empty from eating them. My glorious shower would have to wait. ?At this point, I had to do a beauty treatment, so I deep conditioned my hair and gave myself a facial with some of avocadoes.

Rain

1999-06-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

I am humbled by nature and feel vulnerable by its splendor. We are having at the moment our first heavy rain that lasted more than a few minutes in length. I was excited to see the clouds getting darker and growing closer together. I welcomed the rain to fill our newly built reservoir. I just didn’t expect what was to follow.

When the rain first began, I stayed out in the open and danced in it. I celebrated and loved feeling the freshwater on my body. I filled up all our jugs with water very quickly from our water collection tarp. I crawled into our tent and snuggled up to Eddie. It was romantic and felt like a Sunday afternoon. But the rain kept up and we had nowhere else to go. After what seemed like an eternity, we wondered if it would ever stop.

We were getting hungry and didn’t plan for cooking during the rain. We knew our natural cooking area with chimney wouldn’t light during this heavy rain, but perhaps the stove with a lighter would. We had planned to create a sheltered area beside our tent, but hadn’t created it yet. Whenever we wanted shade, we sat under a palm tree, but that is not protection from the rain.

We decided to build a sheltered area now. The wind was picking up and starting to howl. We had the waterproof tarp to use from our water collection, but the sticks used to prop it up were very low to the ground. We wanted to be protected from the wind, but the wind seemed to change direction all the time. We were in the middle of a tropical storm.

We decided to go back into the tent. It appeared to be dry and sturdy in the ground, but there was no way to escape the blowing winds. We feel so vulnerable. How different our entire campsite seemed from just this morning in the sunshine. We were not in control, that much was clear.

It is impossible to sleep during the storm. Your body goes into to survival mode and the adrenaline is pumping. I am still awake.

Surfing in the Caribbean

1999-06-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a girl just wants to have some fun. I wanted to surf today, but I couldn’t have planned today anymore perfectly. After yesterday’s conversation, both Eddie and I needed today. We have been going non-stop since we arrived in the BVI. In the beginning I was pushing so hard to find this beach (which was worth it!) Then all the hard work we have been doing building our shelter, building water contraptions and all that is required to living off the land. Of course, I am living the life I wanted, but Eddie was starting to get worn down. I was hoping to surf today, but ever since we arrived, all I have heard is there is no surf in the Caribbean.

I awoke at dawn to see magically, there were textbook perfect breaking waves. They were small, but nicely shaped and just right for me. Eddie awoke and grabbed his board to join me. Each set had nine waves and 3 that broke so that if you didn’t catch them, they would catch you! I have always enjoyed getting wiped out and tossed around by a wave. The power of the ocean puts you right in your place, and if you surrender, it’s a fun ride!

I know the general stereotypical image of a surfer is a sun bleached, burn-out type whose reality is partying, babes and waves. There is nothing wrong with this described lifestyle, but I have come find more to surfing. My experience with surfing has led me to believe it is one of the most spiritual activities I have ever done. It is a sacrament to harmony.

The experience in itself is divine. As a sport, it is challenging to learn and has a longer learning curve than the average exercise. It takes strength, balance, flexibility and ease in the water to be a surfer. But these physical attributes alone do not constitute the ability to be a good surfer. There is a state of mind and awareness that is necessary to surf.

The term “catch a wave” is very common and perfectly describes what you must do. The wave has its own powerful energy and if you don’t “catch it”, it will go on without you. In order to catch the wave, you must be in the right position in the ocean, and then you must paddle at the right speed. In a spiritual sense, you must meet its energy and that is when you can soar! This is true harmony with nature and because of this, surfing has changed my life!

I must say that surfing naked feels really good! We laughed with complete joy at how delicious our lives were at that moment. We were surfing on our own private cove, naked on choice waves with no competition from any other surfer! The colors were so vibrant. The water was a clear blue, the sand was powdery white and the sun warm gold. When I see Eddie surfing, it is almost unbearable how enamored I am of him. To see his bum, held tight on top of the board, as he paddles is a sight that floods my senses with a heat.

We paddled over to Trunk Bay, the neighboring bay and caught surf over there. The coconut trees are so low there that you can pull the ripe coconuts off yourself ( not common!) Ripe coconuts have the sweet milk, or coconut water as some people call it. This beach is completely unspoiled as Rogue’s Bay. We were blessed with a piece of driftwood with a nail on it, which was perfect to open our coconuts. They were the sweetest milk ever – since they were ripened in the sun with the mother tree’s love. We were deliriously happy.

Surfing

Whoever said that there was no surfing in the Caribbean was seriously mistaken. Sure, it’s not as consistent or frequently good as Hawaii, California or even Florida, but here are the pictures to prove that it does exist. The water is so clear blue and being able to see to the bottom brings good feelings of safety for those afraid of the unknown.

Passport Part Deux

1999-06-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

Great news! My passport nightmare is nearly over. As a matter of fact, I think I made a big deal over nothing.

I went to the US Embassy dressed in my finest sarong shaking in my flip-flops. I was petrified they would deport me immediately or worse! I envisioned them calling all my friends in NYC and my family in San Francisco to tell them what a failure I was. I thought they would tell me I would have to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour.

Turns out, I will be able to get a new passport relatively easily and quickly. I do need proof of identity, but Mervin coming into their office and giving them an affidavit is enough verification. They will also call the Passport Office in the US next week to validate that I had a previous passport through the Department Name Check System. Since I don’t have the number and they want to prevent fraudulent use of the identification, they will report my passport lost. They will not need to fill out a police report. They were so helpful.

My situation kept improving. My new passport fee is waived since they consider me a victim of disaster because of my boating accident. The kind people in the office were the messengers of only great information and seemed genuinely fascinated with my dolphin rescue. They told me that they have heard about dolphins saving other people. They recommended that I go to the marine history museum of Tortola.

Then the other shoe dropped. They gave me a routine series of questions and requirements in order for me to receive a new passport. This list included that in no circumstances was I to be gainfully employed. This included the farmer’s market that I had planned to work that weekend. They also assumed that my boating accident happened more recently. They thought that I would call home immediately for someone to wire me money to stay in a proper hotel in Road Town.

I decided to face the inevitable now and tell them the truth. I told them the boating accident happened about 1 and ½ months ago. Their attitude began to change towards me as they asked me abruptly with a tone, “Where can we contact you? What hotel are you staying?” I got scared that everything would fall apart if I told them where I was staying. I couldn’t think of the one I stayed at, so I asked, “which one do you recommend?” I added sheepishly, “I was staying at another bay - in Brandy Wine Bay.”

They gave me a name of a hotel in Road Town and offered to call them for me to make a reservation. I hemmed and hawed. I would have to suck it up and call someone to ask for money. I thought of Isaiah’s slavery speech of freedom and my new inspiration to be a better person. Why is it always easier to talk about doing the right thing then to do it?

They were offering their phone and I got swept up in their helpfulness and called Eddie. I was very brief and told him that I would tell him the full story later, but that basically all my money was gone through no fault of my own and that I needed him to pay for a hotel. He asked me what I was doing in Road Town, was I ok and when I would be able to tell him the full story. I said I was ok, but had been through an ordeal and that I would tell him later that night when I was settled in.

You would think after nearly drowning, I would be fearless. Unfortunately, I still have my insecurities. Dealing with my passport was not as bad as I thought. The thought of calling Eddie later was more painful.

Collecting Water Part deux

1999-06-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today we continued with our water collection by creating a reservoir. We dug, well, ok, Eddie dug a hole. What can I say, he is stronger than me. He dug on the part of the beach where the sand ends and it becomes dirt. It is a circular hole in which we placed a waterproof tarp that is held down on top by rocks.

This project took us all day. I sewed a bellydance costume with shells I found on the beach while he dug the hole. We always have something to talk about and we talked the entire time we worked together side by side. I shared with him how happy I was to be living my dream. As always, he was happy for me, but told me that he would not be doing this for an entire year, as I wanted to.

It was a pleasure to be together so intimately and he found our adventures memorable, but he simply couldn’t give up a whole year. He has so many projects that he began months ago and I should be prepared for one of them to get the green light and take him back to NYC or Japan.

I don’t think I really took him seriously because I wasn’t hurt. It was like a pleasurable conversation over a glass of wine at an outdoor café. I asked him what he missed most about NYC, what project he was most excited about, what he disliked most about our island adventure. We chatted all day long.

He was filthy after we finished making the reservoir. I had made real progress with my shell costume. We took our daily sunset swim and laughed and giggled as if we did just have a glass of wine.

I didn’t like what he was saying today at all. But I don’t believe its true. I think he needs a little more time here on Rogue’s Bay and perhaps some genuine fun. We have been working so hard. I thought some surfing would do the trick, so I did what surfers have done the world over: I prayed for surf.

Collecting Water

1999-06-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

I will admit that maybe I read too many survival books. In my desire to be prepared, I have a serious amount of useless information for here in paradise. This became apparent when I offered suggestions for water collection today and Eddie said, “We do not need to know how to signal to aircraft with our bodies or make an Australian poncho raft or have the need to use the word survival as mnemonic device”.

We came to Rogue’s Bay with a few gallons of drinking water, so we had time to create our water collection system. We can also fill up our jugs back at Brewer’s Bay, if necessary. I wanted to do several different types of water collecting because in addition to drinking water, I wanted to create a freshwater shower.

We are fortunate that it does rain often here, so the freshwater should be plentiful. The first water collection we made was for our drinking water with a tarp and four large sticks. All the sticks are even and it looks like a table top until we put several rocks on it to create a channel for the rainwater to run off into buckets and jugs. This system means that you should be present when it rains, to change the buckets. We have both learned how to predict rain by the type of clouds. They are very dark grey and can be high or low in the sky, but they are gathered very close together.

Once the water is collected, it needs to be filtered and purified. First we filter it several times to get the debris out. Then it purifies the water by boiling it for at least 10 minutes. This is time consuming to do and is difficult because you cannot put the boiling water into a plastic jug. We chose the alternative, which is a purifying treatment machine, which we brought with us. The purifier adds three ingredients necessary in all civilized purifying processes: iodine, chlorine and potassium permanganate.

We keep this water in the shade, since we don’t have a refrigerator or ice cubes.

Powder Room

1999-06-20T17:13:00.000-07:00

I will keep this description brief so I will not be vulgar,. We created our bathroom today. We wanted it to be far enough away from our tent and cooking, water collection, but not so far away that it is inconvenient. We had a challenge to not build it down wind. It was basically across the island. We dug a deep hole and then put rocks around it and some wood on top of it to make it more comfortable. I read that you do NOT use disinfectant because that kills the useful bacteria that you need to keep it from smelling. After each use, you throw some earth and water in it to create natural bacteria that it needs.

Campsite part deux

1999-06-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

We spent the past 4 days creating our campsite. We planned everything meticulously. Even though our decisions were made methodically, there were a few conditions that we weren’t aware of until we found ourselves in the middle of them.

We carefully planned to pitch our tent in the most perfect place, away from rising ocean water. We made sure it was not facing the rising sun, so it wouldn’t be to hot first thing in the morning. We also made sure that our location wasn’t in an indentation, so our tent wouldn’t collect water. We even took care to brush away all sticks and rocks and lie down a blanket underneath our tent. What we didn’t notice is that we were not protected from the occasional gusty winds, until the wind was blowing so hard, we nearly took off in flight like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. We had to abandon our home and break tent in the middle of the night.

Come morning, we had such a laugh at how we were both trying to be so cool last night and ignore that the winds were unbearable. We wondered what surprises that would come with where we chose to build the restroom.

Building our campsite

1999-06-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have spent most of my life dreaming, longing and wanting for something or someone or to be somewhere. To be here and see my dreams come true is not easy. To manifest what I have wanted for so long is difficult because I have spent so much time in the state of desire that now I am accustomed to it. It’s odd and awkward because I don’t know what do with myself. I squandered so much time wishing that now trying to enjoy it is utterly foreign to me.

I was so excited that I had to resist not waking up Eddie before the sun rose (our rule). I took a walk and tried to let it settle in that I had not imagined it: this is the perfect beach. I had arrived. All the preparation was completed and here I was staring at my dreams. Now what?

The truth is there was so much to do, it made my head spin. We had to create our entire campsite. I had read nearly every camping and survival book written. I might have been overly educated, according to Eddie. I always quoted books I had read, while he used instinct for most decisions. I knew that setting up a campsite for an extended period of time, much preparation to planning was necessary. When you are planning to live somewhere for extended period of time, it is different than if you were setting up a campsite for a weekend. Things cannot be set up haphazardly. The placements of our shelter, water collection, fire and latrines have to be well thought out.

Most survival books I read were about cases of extreme basic existence. In these situations, shelter should be the first thing addressed. In the dawn’s early light, I re-read The US Army Survival Book. It says that shelter protects you from insects, weather and enemy observation. (No worries here) They went on to say that shelter gives you a sense of well-being and can help your will to survive.

I thought about this concept for a while. Shelter is one of our basic necessities. Most of our lives are spent searching for, building, cleaning, furnishing and working for our homes. This preoccupies our time whether we are rich or poor. One must lie their head down to rest each night and desires protection from the elements and or his predators. It’s an inescapable part of life. Where we sleep is important to everyone, whether you are a transient or the type who like to grow roots like a tree or someone who travels the world or has never left his hometown. I giggle as I glimpse the lizards that make their home in a rotted coconut shell. I think to myself, dreams do come true and I can manifest anything I want. However, longing for my dreams is part of the fun – so enjoy the process along the way.

We did it!

1999-06-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

We told Mervin first thing in the morning that we want him to take us to one of those bays he told us about. A place that was isolated and you could not reach by land. A place we could live off the land. As soon as we could, all of our belonging was packed in his boat that he uses for conservation.

Before we left, Eddie pulled me aside and confessed that he has a fear of the ocean. I know he grew up a surfer-dude in California, how could he be afraid of the ocean? I couldn’t help but be shocked. We discussed these fears, since I don’t have a fear of the ocean. I know that I do have fears, but I certainly do not allow fears from preventing me from doing anything that I desire. His fears were not going to keep him from going on this ultimate journey, but he wanted me to know. Despite the fears, the differences in our desires, we headed out into the wild blue yonder.

We were on the boat for about 30 minutes, when Mervin said, there it is. Before my eyes was the most beautiful vision: a golden sandy beach with waves of aqua blue. Our boat landed and no sooner than it did, I ripped my clothes off and ran naked as fast as I could down the beach. There were no footprints whatsoever on this unspoiled beach and its beauty was endless!

We explored our beach, our NEW HOME! It was a sight beyond definition. There was a cove made of volcanic rock and years of water sculpted structure. It completely formed a circle that created a protected cove with smaller waves, protect by an extended rock, gently brushing the outer line of the circle. It was all naturally made to be a perfect place to live. Hyatt hotels couldn’t make such a pleasure palace so beautiful and perfect to camp in – complete with an area where water flows into so we could wash dishes and take baths. Our new “hotel” had a sculpted fireplace complete with a chimney! We could not believe our eyes!

Just when we were completely perplexed by our good fortune, a barracuda washed up into the cove. It seemed to be stunned or caught in a wave. Eddie ran to get his machete, but by the time he arrived back from the boat, the barracuda had swum away. Completely out of breath, Eddie looked behind him and saw a huge stick and berated himself for not using nature’s technology. We found two coconut trees that were low enough for us to pick them off the tree. We listened to hundreds of birds in the mountains and followed our way to the other side of the cove. Without any discussion, we would move our meager belongings to this idealistic place.

We unloaded the boat and Mervin stayed with us all day. He laughs all the time and seems utterly amused by everything I say. He has been most generous with us, but it appears to go beyond island hospitality. He seems to have a personal investment in us and wants us to succeed. He shares with us everything he knows and is always willing to help. He thinks we are magical. Tonight, as the sun set, glowing effervescent rocks/underwater tiny fish the size of a firefly floated up to our new home. We couldn’t believe our eyes. We have found a home beyond perfection.

We set up the most basic of campsites, cooked a meal and fell asleep under the sparking sky.

I am ready for my Walden

1999-06-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am having trouble dealing with other people. I am itching to move to a secluded beach. I just want to be in nature with no one, but my love and live off the land. Brewer’s Bay is gorgeous, but I had always intended this rustic campsite to be a nice transition from NYC to living off the land.

Today we hitched a ride on the only dirt road to the other side of the island into Road Town. Hitchhiking is a beautiful gesture and this side of the island is remote and hitchhiking is common. A girl named Kim and her Rasta boyfriend, Dillinger, picked us up. He didn’t say anything as he finished a spleef and toked up another as we drove into the main town of Road Town. Kim was generous enough to drive us and wait for us as we bought our supplies of grains, beans and spices. However, the tension that pervaded the ride would have made a taxi fare worthwhile. Eddie called him a fashion-Rasta.

When we returned to Brewer’s Bay, I went for a walk along the beach and cried. I attempted to explain my emotions to Eddie, but I couldn’t explain them to myself precisely. All I know is that I don’t want to be around people, or to justify myself to anyone. I am unprepared to deal with other people’s emotions – its too complex and confusing. I grew emotional in my vulnerable state and concluded that Eddie and I wanted different experiences here on this island.

This is not a vacation for me; this is a spiritual journey of self-discovery. I am lost in many ways. I need to explore myself without burdens and pressures that I put on myself when I in am a social situation. When I am around other people I want to be understood and interesting. I can end up feeling insecure and self-conscious. I feel like this gets in the way of getting to the core of who I am. At this time in my life, being around other people is too much work and a major distraction. I need to get a foundation of who I am that comes from being ok with being by myself.

Eddie is very social and really doesn’t feel the same way I do about being together with no one else, but has been supportive of my urgent desires to leave Brewer’s Bay right away to find our own beach to begin our new life. We decided to leave the following day. I know I am ready. I hope Eddie is.

Thoreau

1999-06-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

Nature is mythical and mystical always, and works with the license and extravagance of genius. -Thoreau

Nothing is more divine than nature. Any building that Man creates, no matter how many years it took to build or how elaborate it is can compare with the view out of its window. The human population is growing expeditiously and most of the world’s residents live in a concrete environment. Nature has become sectioned off, as an attraction of sorts – a place to visit, not home. Humans have become so far removed from the source, the elements we need for survival as a species. How separate and disconnected most people have become from nature. Without living amongst water, forest and wildlife, it is no wonder that people have the ability to destroy the planet in the way they have been doing. They no longer feel the bond, so how could they be aware of the importance?

The devastation to the planet is so disturbing to me that I have come here to find answers of what I should do about it. I do not want to be part of the problem; I want to be part of the solution. Since I am without proper answers of how to save the planet or stop others from doing so, I have removed myself from urban life. This is why I am living so close to the very things that sustain our lives, without any walls dividing nature and me.

I NEED to be alone in nature. I need to go further into nature and have solitude from human interaction. I need to live more ecological, in complete harmony with nature. I need a foundation of truth that only comes from when you face nature with just your heart and hands. I want to test myself and find out what I am made of. I need to just do and to be. I need in the simplest of circumstances – just nature and me. I believe I will get these answers to these questions that are so urgent in my heart. I am prepared for that journey. This is a journey into my soul.

What we brought with us

1999-06-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

The pile had been growing for months in my NYC brownstone of camping equipment, books and cute outfits I imagined myself wearing on my adventure. I had accumulated over 10 hats! You would be surprised at how quickly this mound dwindled when it was time to pack it and put it on our backs. Decisions were made quickly.

The heaviest of all items were books and there were plenty of them! I wanted to be prepared and decided that they were the only irreplaceable item. I imagined it would be easier to find a fishing hook on Tortola than a book by Plato. I wanted to be equipped to live off the land and had practical paperbacks such the US Army Survival Manual, American Red Cross Lifeguarding and several on the subject of sustainable living. I also wanted to read religious, philosophical, nature books. I yearned to be exposed to all thinkers and believers. I did not desire to read any non-fiction (except for Kerouac), as I wanted to write my own story.

Although I intend to build my own fire and shelter, we packed every piece of camping equipment conceivable. It was a random sort. We brought the latest high-tech tent, an old lantern that Eddie got from his grandpa and a stove we bought at a flea market. We brought several tarps and tools: machete, knives and Swiss army knives. For the past six months, we practiced camping in Upstate New York to determine what we needed.

We brought organic and natural toiletries such as sunscreen, toothpaste, shampoo, q-tips (addicted!) and “all-purpose Badger ointment”. For clothes, I brought 3 bathing suits, 3 sarongs, 4 tee shirts, 2dresses, one jacket and ONE hat!

We brought a plastic bag that I used the entire trip. One bag, one year.

There were many things we brought that I didn’t photograph including a first aid kit, saxaphone, sewing kit, spear fishing gun and surfboards. We eventually packed everything into two large backpacks and two large duffle bags (minus the surfboards).

Who lives on the Island?

1999-06-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I was trying to open one of the 12 coconuts I sweated so hard to carry back to our campsite. I didn’t bring anything to carry them in, so I put them in the sarong I was wearing around my waist. I must have looked pathetic carrying all of them, but I was too eager to restrain myself. I had taken a delicious swim first thing this morning. While taking a walk afterwards, I got so hot and bothered when I saw all the coconuts that had fallen under the tree that outlined the bay. The atmosphere was enchanting to me, so jungle-like and I was finally living this lifestyle I had been only dreaming about for months. I wanted to gather my own food and didn’t know coconuts are plentiful, so I grabbed everyone I saw.

I tried to hack it open with the machete and then Eddie gave it a go, when Mervin, the young local who runs the campground came to chat with us. He had a laugh at our expense and then showed us that coconuts have an outside layer. First you need to give it a good wack to crack this outside layer, and then peal the husk off. After that you can open it by piercing one of the three eyes with a machete or knife to drink the sweet milk. The greener the coconut’s outside layer, the less sweet the milk is. The riper the coconut, the sweeter the milk. Turns out that there is an art to calculating how sweet the milk is and finding the small soft spot that you need to open to drink the nectar.

Mervin also works for conservation and is tracking endangered leatherback turtles that birth on Tortola. He promised to take me out on his boat with him later that day. (I really want my own boat!). Mervin is warm and generous with his knowledge and his heart. He stayed for hours and taught us many things. He gave us the 411 on everything Tortola. It was part gossipy and part educational and all fascinating.

Mervin belongs to the Rymer family that owns Brewer’s Bay and the land surrounding it. When I say family, I mean hundreds of relatives dating all the way back to their slavery ancestors. The slaves were set free in their Emancipation proclamation of 1834 here in Tortola. The struggles and the lack of the true freedom of the blacks continued after this date and the land they were promised to receive was not immediately or in some cases, never bestowed. About 10 major families own most of the land on the island of Tortola. Apparently there are many boundary disputes as these families often grew out of joining families through marriage. At the moment, there is a quiet, hostile revolution brewing among the younger generation.

The older generation here has enjoyed a life with all the richness as their forefathers. They lived here long before the introduction of tourism to the economy, so most of them enjoyed living off the land. They have only recently begun selling land. Their children are making decisions to hold dear to their rituals and traditions or discard them for the modern and often greedy ways. The older generation didn’t need much interaction from the outside world and were able to suffice all their needs by their families’ deeds. They are a warm, happy, positive, peaceful people living with a close and big family structure.

I am filled with good vibes just by being in their presence. Quito Rymer performs at his bar that claims his namesake. Nicole Rymer owns a bar at the other side of Quitos on Brewer’s Bay. His happiness shines so bright, it is impossible to be sorrowful in his company. And I tried! He runs his business very different than any bar in NYC. If money is important to him, he hides it well. Nicole is rarely there tending his bar, though sometimes one of his many girlfriends is there helping out. Most of the time, I help myself to a drink, place the money on the top of the bar. His only concern is that we are happy. His father just came by and chatted with us. He only has a few teeth and wore a feather in his cap. He just said, “no chance” that he would ever visit NYC. Why would he?

There is a fisherman here named Ernest, though we thought his name was, “Honest”. Both are suitable names. Through marriage, he is also a Rymer. He is a carpenter and fishes daily to feed all the families in the Rymer family. His children and grandchildren come out to gather the nets, the youngest is 3 years old.

Eddie and I went out on Mervin’s boat at the end of our day and I was opened for the first time to the watery world of this island. Mervin told us about many uninhabited bays that we could live on! (I am itching to explore!) Ernest gave us some fish to cook for one dinner. It was such a beautiful gift. It felt like our Thanksgiving dinner as we ate our meal cooked with coconut water. Our hearts are open and dreams have become our reality.

As much as I understand the natural growth of “progress”, many of the locals here live what I consider an enchanting life, complete with all of nature’s beauty and rich with their ancestor’s wisdom. If I had my choice: I would to hold onto their traditions and lifestyles as I attempt to create my own, enamored and influenced by theirs.