Passport

Love might have made me scared, but I am a strong and brave girl. Eddie doesn’t hold the keys to my dreams and I am not going to let him prevent me from staying on this island. My challenge has evolved from searching for the right bay to live with Eddie to not being deported back to Eddie.

I told Isaiah this morning that I wanted to work this weekend at the Farmer’s Market and make as much money as I could. I also said I wanted to go earlier to the US Embassy and find out about getting a new passport. I am ready to face my fears of authority and become legal.

I didn’t come to this island to become negligent. I just thought I had already dealt with the red tape before I left. I thought that I would come to this island to have my Walden. And I am. It just doesn’t look how I expected. It never does.

It’s been hard lately. I am resisting the lessons that I am given. I want to be spending my time learning from nature. I have to accept that these challenges are teaching me what I need to discover. Most importantly, I need to stop opposing that they are being presented in exactly the way I need to realize them. Just because it’s not in a waterfall under a rainbow, doesn’t mean it isn’t spiritual.

I am now fighting just to stay here. I am getting to the core of my desires of what I am willing to fight for. Back in NYC, I thought I would be on a beach pondering my philosophies. How different this entire adventure has been in actuality compared with what I anticipated. My beliefs have been shaped here by experiences and challenges faced. Its more raw than I originally anticipated and certainly less intellectual. The end result is that my beliefs and philosophies of life are rooted deep within. They are unwavering and known by my entire being, not just my head.

 

Humbled and Humiliated Part Deux

I was definitely disturbed about my phone chat with Eddie yesterday. It made my head spin.

Yes, I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t express myself honestly as I had planned. I was frustrated that after being inspired by Isaiah to be brave and take charge of my life, I behaved the same as before.  I also did not address my financial situation with Eddie. If I don’t get some money, I will stay stuck in this same situation as I am in right now. I will never be able to pull myself out of just getting by. And if my lack of a passport is ever exposed, I am going to be in real trouble without any money.

I was also hurt by his patronizing comments about my journey here. I know I am focusing on only some of the things he said. After all, he did say he was proud of me and that I have so much talent. These words were lost on me because all I heard was that I was being ridiculous and wasting my time.  But there was something else was annoying me to the point of total vexation.

All this time, I have not only wanted Eddie to be with me on this adventure. I wanted him to want to be here with me. Something changed and now he wanted me to come back to NYC just as much as I wanted him to be here with me. What he said resembled an ultimatum.

I found myself irritated and in a serious pickle. I felt like I couldn’t really talk to Eddie now that he was back in NYC. He seems to have changed just as much as I have, but in opposite directions. I have no desire to return to NYC, especially right now. I needed help to stay here and Eddie was the only one who could really help me financially and legally with the passport.

I held out hope that he would change his mind for so long share my dreams with me. I let go of that dream and watched him leave.  Now we were really at odds with each other, but I needed his help. It did not appear that I would get this help from him.

I am an independent woman that doesn’t give up easily on my dreams. I went to sleep thinking there has to be a way out. This is just an obstacle in the way of my goal.

 

Shackles that Bind

I woke up feeling gutsy with the intention of freeing myself from my shackles. Everything went wrong. I snuck past Styles on my way into town, which highlighted my cowardice.  I went there to call Eddie today with the intention of telling him about my accident and that I needed money, but I got scared.  

I felt awkward because I could tell he was busy, but he was making time for me, since it has been weeks since we last spoke. I could feel NYC and the fast pace, the stimulation that no other city has. I know what it is like when you are there. You have no patience and want everything done right now. I could feel how much I have changed and the juxtaposition of the island versus the city pace made by the reflection in his voice.

I made the mistake of beginning the conversation that I had big news.  I felt hurried, as if he wanted to hear the big news I had to tell him and then get back to work. Quickly. I want to live free and clean, but was not courageous enough to stand up to NYC. The energy is just too powerful. I needed time to meander and work up to it.

I decided to share something that made me feel proud, as I was now feeling anxious. I told him that a Rasta taught me how to build a tepee – which was followed by silence.  He assumed that Isaiah was hitting on me (never once).  Then Eddie made some joke about Isaiah pitching a tent and then said some things that I did not expect.

“Babe, you have done what you wanted to do with living on the island. I am proud of you. But now this is getting ridiculous. You need to come back here for us, but also for you. You have a lot of talent and need to stop wasting your time and do something with your life. If you stay down there, I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t promise anything. I’ve got to run, I have another call waiting. Call me back later.”

I felt so weird after our conversation. Eddie was so abrasive. I know that I wanted to dismiss it as basically a misunderstanding, since he did not know that I really had some big news. I know he asked me return the call, but I returned to Brewer’s Bay instead. Confused.

Living Free

Isaiah’s words pierced my heart. I got up early yesterday and worked hard, but couldn’t shake his words. Either he was intuitive and was talking directly to me or he is brilliant and knows we all have something that makes us feel caged. My mind is not free about my current living situation. Yes, I can justify that I am living a simple honest life with Isaiah working the land in exchange for my basic needs. This is true and I feel clean in my heart about this aspect of my life. I would never want to have missed this opportunity to learn from Isaiah. Isaiah has forever changed my life. He has taught me so much and filled with beauty, nature, knowledge, healing, growing.

My mind is not free about my boating accident. I have lied and left out truths to almost everyone I know, except Isaiah and Mervin.  I have not even told Eddie. I am scared that if I get too close to anyone, they will find out too much information. Then, they will find out I do not have a passport or money and I will be forced to return to NYC. I can keep surviving this way, but in order to get out of this dilemma, I need money.

This keeps everyone at a distance and like I am being chased or hunted. That may sound extreme, but Isaiah was so accurate last night.  The definition of a slave is someone who is not free. I have trapped myself with my thoughts and behave as if someone has me in restraints, when it is my own doing. I sneak around Brewer’s Bay when I am getting water or hitching a ride to town. I don’t like living like this.

I know that I don’t want to get deported for not having a passport or in trouble for using the water at Brewer’s Bay. It seems like the easiest way to avoid troubles is just to keep quiet, sneak around and lie, but now that Isaiah has brought this to my attention, I feel like I am deceiving myself – not just others. And I have. I do not know how I am going to get out of my situation, but I choose not to think about it. I am putting my head in the sand, but I want to live free and be true to myself. 

Is My Mind Free?

I haven’t seen Isaiah since last week. He was at court for a hearing and probation paperwork. He returned today and had a lot to say on the subject and the fact that he was a subject of the Queen.  The verity that he served time in prison makes Isaiah extremely bitter because Tortola is a white British colony and Isaiah’s ancestors were slaves.

Isaiah talked about his dignity during all the mistreatment he experienced while he had to be in prison. “54-75 was my number and now it is someone else’s number. They can treat I as a slave, but I don’t behave like a slave.”

His diatribe evolved into a brilliant rant about how so many people still act like slaves. “They have the slave mentality. They think like a slave does, but no one is treating them like slaves. They took the shackles off their feet, but now the shackles are on their minds. You aren’t truly free until you free yourself from shame, hopeless way of thinking. You have to take back the power that you give these people. They aren’t oppressing you anymore, you choose to be oppressed.”

It goes without saying that slavery is one of the most atrocious and shameful acts of humanity.  I cannot imagine it as my personal history.  After 400 years, it must be difficult to change behaviors.

Isaiah has been my mentor here, my shaman and guru. He teaches me daily how to live from the basic necessities to my spiritual growth. I wanted to help him now during his trials. I awkwardly apologized for all of white men and asked him if I could do anything. He laughed, “Child, you are in more trouble than I, you do not have a passport!”

It was a nice moment between us, as he usually doesn’t speak as straight towards me. He often teaches me in a way that is poetic or simple without room for a response from me.  I took the opening as opportunity to ask him directly why he decided to take me under his wing. He responded that I reminded him of him in the sense that I am idealistic, proud and funny. I learn quickly. He added that I was wild and someone needed to teach me how to do what I set out to do, or I was going to hurt myself.

He said that he told me about slavery because this mentality is not restricted to his ancestors. Many people enslave themselves to thinking they are oppressed or cannot do something. This they are doing to themselves and I should search my heart and see where my mind is not free.

 

Today is one month since dolphins rescued me

Today is one month since dolphins rescued me. I only know this because Mervin came by to visit early this morning. He reminded me and pointed out that I have not been going to the ocean very much since. I knee-jereked defended myself and disagreed, explaining that Isaiah has been away and I was sewing my tepee.

He was right. There were many circumstances that kept me away, though it takes only 10-minute walk to the beach from Isaiah’s camp! I was working on the farm, and making a shelter, gathering wood and working! However, I had no rules at all with Isaiah and he would never complain if I woke up with a swim or swam at sunset or anytime!

The ocean has been such a healing place for me for all these years. I have had great comfort from powerful oceans such as the Pacific Ocean in Northern California’s Santa Cruz. The irony that I had my most gnarly near drowning was in the peaceful Caribbean was not lost on me that morning.

I continued to talk to Mervin and said proudly, “I am going to the beach now.” He shared with me how the people of Brandy Wine were talking about the rescue. He hadn’t found my boat, but hasn’t been to all the bays in Tortola yet. Sometimes he had to go the office to do paperwork on leatherback turtle tracks that he found or even photograph them. There was good news this month and he has been very busy with the conservancy.

We parted ways once we got to the water’s edge. He had work to do and said he would see me later.

Truth be told, I was avoiding the ocean. Not necessarily because I was afraid of drowning, but because I was avoiding thinking about the rescue and my current situation. Sure, I was learning so many valuable things with Isaiah and I had survived for a month! But I still was in a jam – without a passport or money.

I was also avoiding thinking or talking about the dolphin rescue.  Too amazing. Too traumatic. I don’t understand what happened or why they rescued me. Or maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than it is. It’s just part of my adventure. Every backpacker trekking Europe loses their money,  passports and has stories of sleeping at the Louvre, right? It’s just another young traveler experience.

 

There is a Fashion God - Building a Tepee Part Tres

There is a fashion god. And I was not being punished to live in the same swimsuit and sarong forever.  With my earning’s from this weekend’s farmers market, I bought a new hot pink skirt and white peasant midriff top. They aren’t practical like last week’s purchases. They aren’t even sensible to work in the garden or campsite, but I just had to have something pretty.

I also selected several sarongs that are various shades of pink with hibiscus flowers on them. I added these to my few possessions to line the inside of my tent.  I spent the day sewing the sarongs on the inside of my tent. I had to be careful not to puncture the tarp with the needle. Otherwise, rain and unwelcome insects would be able to enter my new castle. I had to make sure that I sewed on the where the tarp had a seam.

This project brought out the showgirl in me. I found some shells on the beach that actually had holes already in them. They were nature’s beads. I sewed them together on the bottom of a piece of fabric from the sarong and made handles for the door (one on each side).

I was so into making my tepee beautiful, that I sewed all the way into darkness using a lantern. It reminded me of all the bellydance costumes I have sewn. I couldn’t help but think of bellydancing all those late nights at the Moroccan restaurant I worked at in the Village in NYC. The musicians and other bellydancers and I use to have so much fun every night.  We would dance on top of the tables and shake the audience up into a tizzy. I thought of the drum solos with just me and Hassam and I. We were so in synch that we would become one and give the best performances. We loved when the sheiks would come in and they would literally shower us with hundreds of dollars.

I laughed to myself about the time my finger cymbal unexpectantly came off, flew like a flying saucer and shattered a champagne glass to be received by cheers of applause. I thought about all the people that would deny my offer to dance with them, wandering why would you say no, just live life like its your last night! I would dance at so many private parties of the richest people in Manhattan. I would imagine myself to be an ancient dancer when I danced in their penthouse palaces. Memories kept me sewing into the night.

When I finished, I wanted to show someone my creation. My tepee was beautiful!