Eddie left today

Eddie left today. I failed with all my girlfriend battle tactics to keep my man at my side. I did what every good girlfriend does when she doesn’t get her way. First I struggled to be supportive of his dreams. Then I tried to be the dream girlfriend, so he wouldn’t want to leave my side. I accidently broke down and cried a puddle of tears a few times. Desperate, I brought us into the court of law and accused him of perjury. Then I did the only thing I could do; create a fantasy that he wasn’t leaving (what others crudely call denial).

I was heartbroken and it hurt. Badly. I cried incessantly. It was the worst abandonment I have ever experienced. I tried to do all the things that made once made me happy, like swimming in the aqua blue water, so clear that you just cant believe your eyes. But it didn’t work. Like the great Velvet Underground song, I thought, “Who loves the sun, who cares that it makes plants grow, who cares what it does it does since you broke my heart”. The sun shining didn’t seem to matter since Eddie left.

I contemplated packing my bags and returning to NYC – maybe I could still do the film I turned down. But this was deeper than just being with Eddie. This was the fact that he left. That he would leave paradise and me! That he had priorities that were so different than mine. I became mad. How dare he?! Then I realized in all fairness, he never wanted to come here for an entire year and live exclusively off the land. I was forcing him into it. How dare I?

I felt dreadful that I had manipulated him so much and because of my behavior, he left with us on rocky terms. I began to miss him. Terribly. Everything, absolutely everything reminded me of Eddie. It was obscene, there were too many memories flooding me. It was ubiquitous where I looked.

Finally, the feeling was insurmountable and I ran into the center of the beach and cried, begging the heavens to help me. I became conscious that I pushed Eddie away. The nature of my pain could not be addressed with any companionship. The pain I speak of is that I don’t trust myself or my feelings or my experiences or my philosophies.

To speak psychobabble for a moment or two: I had projected so much onto Eddie that belonged to my parents. I needed to be a separate entity from them. My childhood was all about their trip and now it was my turn. Yes, I could even believe everything they believed, but I wanted to make that decision myself! What freedom! I slept the night under the stars happily with just myself.