Humbled and Humiliated Part Deux

I was definitely disturbed about my phone chat with Eddie yesterday. It made my head spin.

Yes, I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t express myself honestly as I had planned. I was frustrated that after being inspired by Isaiah to be brave and take charge of my life, I behaved the same as before.  I also did not address my financial situation with Eddie. If I don’t get some money, I will stay stuck in this same situation as I am in right now. I will never be able to pull myself out of just getting by. And if my lack of a passport is ever exposed, I am going to be in real trouble without any money.

I was also hurt by his patronizing comments about my journey here. I know I am focusing on only some of the things he said. After all, he did say he was proud of me and that I have so much talent. These words were lost on me because all I heard was that I was being ridiculous and wasting my time.  But there was something else was annoying me to the point of total vexation.

All this time, I have not only wanted Eddie to be with me on this adventure. I wanted him to want to be here with me. Something changed and now he wanted me to come back to NYC just as much as I wanted him to be here with me. What he said resembled an ultimatum.

I found myself irritated and in a serious pickle. I felt like I couldn’t really talk to Eddie now that he was back in NYC. He seems to have changed just as much as I have, but in opposite directions. I have no desire to return to NYC, especially right now. I needed help to stay here and Eddie was the only one who could really help me financially and legally with the passport.

I held out hope that he would change his mind for so long share my dreams with me. I let go of that dream and watched him leave.  Now we were really at odds with each other, but I needed his help. It did not appear that I would get this help from him.

I am an independent woman that doesn’t give up easily on my dreams. I went to sleep thinking there has to be a way out. This is just an obstacle in the way of my goal.