I am ready for my Walden

I am having trouble dealing with other people. I am itching to move to a secluded beach.  I just want to be in nature with no one, but my love and live off the land.  Brewer’s Bay is gorgeous, but I had always intended this rustic campsite to be a nice transition from NYC to living off the land.

Today we hitched a ride on the only dirt road to the other side of the island into Road Town. Hitchhiking is a beautiful gesture and this side of the island is remote and hitchhiking is common.  A girl named Kim and her Rasta boyfriend, Dillinger, picked us up. He didn’t say anything as he finished a spleef and toked up another as we drove into the main town of Road Town. Kim was generous enough to drive us and wait for us as we bought our supplies of grains, beans and spices. However, the tension that pervaded the ride would have made a taxi fare worthwhile. Eddie called him a fashion-Rasta. 

When we returned to Brewer’s Bay, I went for a walk along the beach and cried. I attempted to explain my emotions to Eddie, but I couldn’t explain them to myself precisely. All I know is that I don’t want to be around people, or to justify myself to anyone. I am unprepared to deal with other people’s emotions – its too complex and confusing. I grew emotional in my vulnerable state and concluded that Eddie and I wanted different experiences here on this island.

This is not a vacation for me; this is a spiritual journey of self-discovery. I am lost in many ways.  I need to explore myself without burdens and pressures that I put on myself when I in am a social situation. When I am around other people I want to be understood and interesting. I can end up feeling insecure and self-conscious. I feel like this gets in the way of getting to the core of who I am. At this time in my life, being around other people is too much work and a major distraction. I need to get a foundation of who I am that comes from being ok with being by myself.

Eddie is very social and really doesn’t feel the same way I do about being together with no one else, but has been supportive of my urgent desires to leave Brewer’s Bay right away to find our own beach to begin our new life. We decided to leave the following day. I know I am ready. I hope Eddie is.