Shackles that Bind

I woke up feeling gutsy with the intention of freeing myself from my shackles. Everything went wrong. I snuck past Styles on my way into town, which highlighted my cowardice.  I went there to call Eddie today with the intention of telling him about my accident and that I needed money, but I got scared.  

I felt awkward because I could tell he was busy, but he was making time for me, since it has been weeks since we last spoke. I could feel NYC and the fast pace, the stimulation that no other city has. I know what it is like when you are there. You have no patience and want everything done right now. I could feel how much I have changed and the juxtaposition of the island versus the city pace made by the reflection in his voice.

I made the mistake of beginning the conversation that I had big news.  I felt hurried, as if he wanted to hear the big news I had to tell him and then get back to work. Quickly. I want to live free and clean, but was not courageous enough to stand up to NYC. The energy is just too powerful. I needed time to meander and work up to it.

I decided to share something that made me feel proud, as I was now feeling anxious. I told him that a Rasta taught me how to build a tepee – which was followed by silence.  He assumed that Isaiah was hitting on me (never once).  Then Eddie made some joke about Isaiah pitching a tent and then said some things that I did not expect.

“Babe, you have done what you wanted to do with living on the island. I am proud of you. But now this is getting ridiculous. You need to come back here for us, but also for you. You have a lot of talent and need to stop wasting your time and do something with your life. If you stay down there, I don’t know what is going to happen and I can’t promise anything. I’ve got to run, I have another call waiting. Call me back later.”

I felt so weird after our conversation. Eddie was so abrasive. I know that I wanted to dismiss it as basically a misunderstanding, since he did not know that I really had some big news. I know he asked me return the call, but I returned to Brewer’s Bay instead. Confused.