Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I got approximately 1 minute of sleep last night.  After I cried all my tears, I had a big decision to make.

What was I going to do? On the one hand, I needed Eddie’s help and did miss him terribly. I was touched that he has been missing me and don’t want to break up.

On the other hand, I did not want to return to NYC. I do feel unfinished here, like I have just started my journey. Yes, I have learned and grown a lot. I have lived off the land ( for 3 weeks with Eddie) and about a month and a half with Isaiah. I have had great adventures and a near death experience! But it feels incomplete and the thought of seeing my friends in NYC made me feel a bit embarrassed. It is as I spoke of climbing Mount Everest and had to return without summiting.

The thought of my girlfriends gave me the idea to which I finally used as my decision maker. I wished I had my girlfriends to talk it out with. I decided to talk with each of them and imagine what they would say. Samara would probably take Eddie’s side, as she is relationship oriented and always thinks I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Jehan would choose the adventure and that magic will happen regarding the passport and the money. Ing-Marie would ask me what my heart is telling me to do and Valerie would chose safety of having the passport after her own personal Green Card fiasco.

This exercise didn’t give me my answer, but it started the dialog with myself. Yes, I loved Eddie and needed his help. But his help was at the expense of my dreams. I have always lived my life by seeing the big picture and how do I want my life to look like. What would be what I would regret? There is never just one way to do anything – he isn’t the only way to get a new passport, there must be another way. I also know that I have fears, but that I never want them to stop me from doing anything! Finally, when it comes to love, I don’t believe it is that fragile. If Eddie and I truly loved each other, we would be together.

Feeling confident with my decision, I practiced telling Eddie my choice. Of course, when he called, he wanted the simple yes or no. When I said no, he hung up. I cried and cried until my face was swollen to an unrecognizable person.

I checked out of the hotel and walked down the streets of Road Town as if I were in my own private protest from the sixties, “We shall overcome!” I hitched a ride to what I have come to call home, Brewer’s Bay.