Living Free

Isaiah’s words pierced my heart. I got up early yesterday and worked hard, but couldn’t shake his words. Either he was intuitive and was talking directly to me or he is brilliant and knows we all have something that makes us feel caged. My mind is not free about my current living situation. Yes, I can justify that I am living a simple honest life with Isaiah working the land in exchange for my basic needs. This is true and I feel clean in my heart about this aspect of my life. I would never want to have missed this opportunity to learn from Isaiah. Isaiah has forever changed my life. He has taught me so much and filled with beauty, nature, knowledge, healing, growing.

My mind is not free about my boating accident. I have lied and left out truths to almost everyone I know, except Isaiah and Mervin.  I have not even told Eddie. I am scared that if I get too close to anyone, they will find out too much information. Then, they will find out I do not have a passport or money and I will be forced to return to NYC. I can keep surviving this way, but in order to get out of this dilemma, I need money.

This keeps everyone at a distance and like I am being chased or hunted. That may sound extreme, but Isaiah was so accurate last night.  The definition of a slave is someone who is not free. I have trapped myself with my thoughts and behave as if someone has me in restraints, when it is my own doing. I sneak around Brewer’s Bay when I am getting water or hitching a ride to town. I don’t like living like this.

I know that I don’t want to get deported for not having a passport or in trouble for using the water at Brewer’s Bay. It seems like the easiest way to avoid troubles is just to keep quiet, sneak around and lie, but now that Isaiah has brought this to my attention, I feel like I am deceiving myself – not just others. And I have. I do not know how I am going to get out of my situation, but I choose not to think about it. I am putting my head in the sand, but I want to live free and be true to myself.