Movies

I was offered a role in a movie today. It came through a phone call to the main line of the campsite. They had been trying to reach me for over a week. It was something I auditioned for a few months ago, but the project did not have its financing in place.  It is a very interesting project in so many ways. It will be filmed in High-Definition on one of the only two cameras exists in the world, in Germany.  The film would utilize old film clips (you know how much I love old films!) and I would be super-imposed in color onto the black and white movie backgrounds. I would play three different roles from three different eras.

It is an actor’s dream part. Yet, I don’t know if I want to do it. I have too many questions about acting, about my motives, about art and its purpose that I don’t have answers.

“Art is a lie that shows us the truth about reality” Picasso so eloquently said. It is a powerful and truthful statement, but my question is: does art ever truly change a person’s life? I know that art affects people and provokes endless discussion and analysis, but does it actually evoke growth of the heart and soul? Or is it the people in your life that can make a difference? Is it by witnessing someone who is living their life by their principles that can in fact change how you live your life?

Is it more important to focus on the growth and healing of your soul?  Is it then that people are actually affected that is exposed to you and open for change? An artist, political or religious leader can carry with them a beautiful message. They might express it in a very charming, often hypnotizing way, but if they do not practice what they preach, could it still change your life?

I have been exploring these thoughts for quite some time as the urgency I once felt to be an artist has dissipated. The lack of importance for me to perform is due to healthy growth of my soul and some questions I have about the significance of art. It is not for all the other usual reasons, such as hopelessness, laziness, insecurity or desire for security. These questions have preoccupying my thoughts and I really want some answers. I need to know my own internal answers, not the general consensus to these questions. I would surmise that most people would say without question that art could change a life. They could identify at least one creation, a book, movie or song that has altered their path and guided them to where they are today.

I am attempting to discover what attracts me to be an artist. I want to know my motives are to express my creativity. Is the purpose in the result of touching another spirit? Or is the purpose in the process of creating? Or do some people have a burning need to express themselves?

What is talent? And furthermore, what is the purpose of talent?  Why does it matter that Charlie Parker can play the saxophone so magnificently? What is the point that Michael Jordan is an extraordinary basketball player? They are masters of what they do, but how does that affect us to listen or watch them? By witnessing this talent, what does that do to us?

What is the role of art?

I need to be able to answer these questions before I can entertain the thought of dancing or acting again. I am saying no to my offer.

 

Saving the Rainforest

There is a rainforest on this island! As soon as I found out, I wanted to go. I am so passionate about saving the rainforest. I imagined what it would be like to be surrounded by this entity I have been obsessing about in NYC for the past year!.

Andy and Theo hoped to see the Killi Killi bird, but I was hoping for some answers. I meditated before we drove up to the top of the mountain there that I would be open to the answers. I prayed that I would hear the wise voice of entity that is 30 million years old. I hoped that it would be clear on what I should do to save the rainforests. I have been lost at what exactly I should or could be doing about the destruction of the rainforest.

The earth has many ecological problems, but I believe none is greater than the protection of the Rainforests of the world. It is the air we breathe, it is the lungs of the earth. In addition, there are millions of species that are killed to extinction. Species that have the right to exist, but also might be a unknown cure. The situation is so alarming to me, I just don’t think everyone knows the urgency. I think if everyone knew that it was serious, they would change their lifestyles accordingly and donate their time and money to environmental organizations.

My generation seems to be apathetic and have a general hopelessness. We are the age group that was raised by idealistic hippies (my parents) and then became depressed and angry by the lack of changes. Look at our popular music: Nirvana and Pearl Jam. I will never allow myself to feel hopeless. Either the destruction of this planet’s ecosystem and temperature raising will occur as a massive cleansing and we will cease to exist in this form – or – we need to fight to save this planet!

I had a large-scale plan to save the rainforest that comprised of mostly education and organizing all rainforest groups to create a powerful voice to put pressure on political powers to make it illegal to sell rainforest. All further deforestation would be illegal for any logging, to make room for cattle or for any reason! Non-profit fundraisers for the rainforests are well intended, but have not made an impact on changes.

With all this on my mind, we entered the rainforest. It was wet and cool. I wore everything I owned and was still cold. I found it amazing that such a different climate could exist just minutes away from the tropical beach we call home. We saw many birds, bugs, plants, and trees. It was different than I expected. I thought it would look like it was 30 million years old and more like a jungle, with vines and monkeys.

Eddie was making his usually jokes. He cannot help it; he is a very funny person. I was not in the mood for humor. It felt important to me to be here and I wanted to listen to any messages of enlightenment. I saw a mahogany tree and didn’t recognize it, though I know what it looks like as a table. I know they are endangered trees and I went up to be close to it. My friends were beginning to think I was seriously crazy, but I asked them to leave me there while I talked to the tree.

I asked it, what does a person like me do? I have passion, heart & insight. But I don’t have the power to change things; really what do I have the power of? I have the power over my reality, my conscious and my actions. There must be so many others out there like me. What do they do with these concerns? It is becoming increasingly difficult to imagine myself returning to my old lifestyle in New York City. The purpose of life in NYC seems so out of context to life at the moment. I need some solutions for peace of mind.

The tree was very compassionate with my frenzied plea. The tree told me I was on my journey and that something big was about to happen to me that would change the course of my life, but don’t be afraid. The tree said that the destruction of the rainforests is an important issue, but there is a larger issue for human’s to be concerned about. The tides will change, the next generation will care and they will begin to care about saving the planet in about 20 years.

When my friends returned, I could hardly speak of this super-natural experience. Nature actually answered me! It was clear and it was comforting. How could I tell them that the tree spoke to me? No one would believe me. But why not? Why don’t we speak to trees?

That night, I told them everything. How could I not? Turns out, they told me it was beautiful.

 

Club Med Party

With Eddie leaving, I decided to make the most of his time here. I became resolute do all the things I would never do by myself or once I am living in solitude.

Eddie, Theo, Andy, Mervin and I went over to Myetts in Cane Garden for a beach party complete with contests. It was to be a “Club Med” type of day, which would normally put me up on my soapbox, spouting, “How did they miss the point?” But I decided to truly enjoy every minute I had left with Eddie.

Mervin and I swim ritually everyday and we decided that we were certain to win every swim contest. We got ourselves worked up into such excitement with the thought of Reggae music, barbeque, contests, volleyball and winning prizes! When we got there it was a big disappointment. The weather got stormy, the crowd was small and the music was terrible.  The worst news of all was that the swimming competitions were cancelled due to lack of entrants.  We were devastated!

Very few people entered the corny contests because they were trying to be “cool”, but Eddie and I love any new adventures. Besides the fact that the winner received a case of Heineken beer!  The first game was the sack race. There were 7 of us lined up on the beach, the DJ announced the race and the crowd casually watched with slight disdain. Turns out, I am lousy at the sack race, falling way behind. However, Eddie was a great jumper and I screamed when he won! After everyone saw him walk away with a case of 24 beers, all the other contests were full.

We encouraged the master of ceremonies that there were actually enough people to do the swim contest: all 5 of us! We were guaranteed a case for our little commune. Ironically, Andy, the smoker and the long-shot won!

We celebrated all night with dancing, doing the limbo and drinking our prize winnings. It was a classic Caribbean vacation day, one that would normally fill me with horror. I would have found it too pedantic, sophomoric and ordinary. I would have had written pages of how far we have missed the point as human beings! However, since I surrendered into enjoying my precious time with Eddie, I found it delightful, breezy, and just plain fun. I lightened up and I like my new attitude.

 

Eddie is leaving the Caribbean!

We returned to Brewer’s Bay today and back to the reality that Eddie is LEAVING! During the dreamy, perfection of the last few days on Rogue’s Bay, I was happily living in denial that he would leave. Now I am in shock. How could he leave paradise? What in NYC could ever compare to what we just experienced the past few days? It’s incomprehensible to me.

He left me for a few hours to go off with Andy and Theo while I cried and cried. It makes me feel insufficient and he is unfulfilled to be with me. I was thinking that he would change his mind after everything we experienced the last few days, in which we didn’t discuss the subject whatsoever.

While he was away, I came up with several plans to make him change his mind. The first idea was to pull away, be very aloof and confident, as if I don’t need him. The next was to be very supportive of him and encouraging him to go.  Then, I decided that I would live how I originally envisioned living purely off the land, complete with composting, gathering of water, food, building my own shelter. I would return to Rogue’s Bay by myself. This was my opportunity.  I will learn a lot while he is away, being in solitude. I will define who I am with nothing but nature and myself.  I realized both of our dreams are separate and the fact that we want to do something different is no reflection of our love for each other.

I shared this when he returned and we became very tender, holding each other so sweetly.  We had our first Caribbean dinner party with Theo, Andy and Mervin. Eddie cooked of course.

 

Magic Mushrooms

Today greeted us with the most amazing rainbow that extended from the mountain to the sea. It was an omen for the beauty to come. We decided to handle the news we received yesterday by taking magic mushrooms. We picked our own magic mushrooms the other day and created the perfect setting to eat them: the purity of Rogue’s Bay. Its almost cartoonish that out of cows, such sweet animals, poop, grows mushrooms that enlighten your awareness.  I said a beautiful incantation to guide us on our journey. I prayed for ourselves, that we learn and grow and are open to understand. I prayed for others, that we learn to give ourselves compassionately and generously to them; to God, that we grow closer to the indwelling and magnificent force. I prayed to Mother Gaia, that we learn to respect her fully and our role in healing the damage and restoring her back to her full glory. And for I prayed for surf. I added that there was no determining order to this prayer and that all of our knowledge, growth and awareness be retained in our bodies to be used daily. 

We ate the mushrooms and walked to the other side of the bay.  The effects began quickly on our empty stomachs and the waves began to the roll through our bodies before we reached the other side. Eddie and my diet has been exactly the same for a month, precisely. There are many sensations that have accompanied our pure diet and I have enjoyed having a partner to share absolutely everything! We spent our entry into our trip meditating together.

I had another connection to Jack Karouac and Yoko Ono and John Lennon. I felt the good vibes the couple created when they were together. Their love created something greater than just each other’s radiance. I understood and realized the power this energy gave off. I longed for this love in my life and feel like I have found it in Eddie. I want to create an energy that is beautiful and capable of altering minds.

I went into the ocean and swam for probably 5 hours, laughing. The colors of Rogue’s Bay was astonishingly vibrant. I felt such joy and felt like I was on fire. I felt like my laughter was the sun’s love and energy bursting out and coming through me. I rolled in the sand until I could feel the earth all over me.

I realized the greatest euphoria we can feel as people is to reach the next realm, while still in this realm. Religiously, drugs, spirituality, sex, art, science, love, people try any device to feel that elation. Sometimes people feel this euphoria just by connecting to themselves fully or their ‘indwelling God”. This is the first step to visiting the next realm.

I began to realize just how much humans had missed the point. Which is the best way to describe what we’ve done, though at this moment, I didn’t feel human. Eddie reminded me of the truth; that I am human and that it wasn’t a negative thing that I was. My soul chose to come here, in this form. Even with this heart-to-heart talk, I continued with my thoughts of how silly humans are, as if I weren’t one of them. I thought of so many ways that humans missed the reason we are here, since I knew the life I found here on Rogue’s Bay was exactly the point; living in harmony in the beauty of nature.

We amused ourselves with the concept of animals having dating services: Yellow-billed, webbed-footed mallard who loves to fly and eat fish, seeking younger mallard for fun without commitment. We laughed about the TV show, “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.  It seems so ridiculous for people to watch as they sit on their couches from home, others traveling the world, doing interesting things and really enjoying their lives. It seems to really miss the point, which is the thought I was consumed with. When did people become so separated from nature? When did we leave beautiful beaches and live as slaves to things? When did we miss the point?

Many spiritual calendars, such as the Mayan’s believe that human beings are coming to an end. The Mayan calendar ends in 2012 and many people interpret this as the end of spiritual darkness.  The earth is almost irreparably destroyed and there might be a battle to save her – or we might transpire as a species. As painful and confused as I am about this, I am also excited and grateful to be living at this time of question and change.

Eddie had disappeared for sometime, while I played my saxaphone. I found him sitting in a cave; looking the most beautiful I had ever seen anybody. His long hair was down, dry after being styled by the salt water into perfect curls. He looked so at home in that cave, as if millions of years had gone by and remained pure and wise as the ancient rocks that surrounded him. We made love until he wiped me out.

Eddie's Opportunity

Though each new day brings a bounty of gifts, some I cherish more than others. I can’t believe the lesson I was given today, especially after yesterday’s entry. No, I am still deliriously in love with my boyfriend, its just that he might be leaving me. I better start off at the beginning of this story.

I know I have grown exponentially each time I have been given a difficult lesson that I initially resist. However, I have grown accustomed to this carefree, island lifestyle that I have been living lately. Today, I don’t want to be challenged, I want yesterday. My mind couldn’t be further away from NYC and the pressures of my old lifestyle. I hadn’t even explored the concept of ever moving back, but now I do not have the luxury of casually investigating the notion. Decisions have to be made and I have been freaked out all day.

While I was casually playing in the sand and sun, Eddie was checking our messages from a lady on the other side of the island. Our form of communication is archaic, in a modern way; we have a friend with a fax machine on the other side of the island who accepts the few that we have received. It was Eddies’ relationship and desire to have this connection to life off the island. I gave the number to my friend Gary only, in case of extreme emergencies only. All the messages are for Eddie always, so I don’t even bother making the trip over to the other side of the island.

The news was about Eddie’s big business opportunity and it was finally moving forward. If he wanted to still take the big break, he would have to be in NYC within 2 weeks!  He wants to take it and wants me to move back with him!  Quite simply, I am devastated. I do not want him to go and I do not want to go back to NYC right now, either.

Eddie thinks I am crazy to not be happy for him. I want to give him what he wants, but not this. It has made me sick to my stomach.

To solve this dilemma, we decided to take a vacation!  We impulsively left to go to our old home of Rogue’s Bay to clear our heads. So, here I am watching my love cook me dinner. Here we are, after we left our free and gorgeous brownstone in NYC to paying pennies to live in a treehouse in the Caribbean to sleep in a volcanic cave. Here we are in my favorite place in the world, taking a vacation from the stresses of life!

Reggae

Since I have arrived in the Caribbean, I have heard almost exclusively Reggae music. Tonight at Quitos, I was dancing and feeling light and breezy when a line from one of the songs hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. It may come across as simple happy music for potheads, but the lyrics of reggae are quite profound. They are rarely silly love songs, but have messages that can literally alter the way you think. The line that affected me so strongly was from the song, “So Much Things”,

“ Don’t forget who you are and where you stand in the struggle.”

 

Wow. Those are words to live by. You can apply this philosophy to all of your struggles, from daily efforts to life’s greatest catastrophes.”

 

Most people know that Reggae came out of Jamaica and was inspired by the struggles and beauty that comes out of their island lifestyle. I find the lyrics apply to all of humanity. It is often about prejudice due to their slavery history, but injustice is a universal experience. While addressing the discrimination, the music remarkably inspires dignity. There are classics, like, “Get up, Stand up. Stand up for your rights” by Bob Marley. 

Not contrary to this message of empowerment, sometimes the music is about finding the joy that is to be had. The rastas believe heaven is here on earth and don’t wait to enjoy your life.  These are happy tunes that remind you how sweet life can be – like in the song, “Three little birds”.

Don’t worry about a thing,

cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singing: don’t worry about a thing,

cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this morning,

Smiled with the rising sun,

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singing sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true,

Saying, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

 

A significant meaning of reggae music is about uniting all of mankind. It’s difficult to not feel the infectious hope while listening to One Foundation or One Love by Bob Marley.

Got to build our love on one foundation.

 

There will never be - no love at all;

There will never be no love at all.

 

Got to put aside the segregation

Got to put aside the organization;

Got to put aside the denomination.

There will - there will never be no love at all;

 

Or the great Redemption song that speaks of true empowerment of yourself over others:

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery

None but ourselves can free our minds.

Have no fear for atomic energy,

cause none of them can stop the time.

How long shall they kill our prophets,

While we stand aside and look?

Some say its just a part of it:

Weve got to fulfil de book

 

Bob Marley was indeed a prophet, but there are other great reggae musicians with a powerful message, like Jimmy Cliff. The soundtrack to The Harder they Come is one of the greatest soundtracks of all time. Every song is a classic and takes you on a journey. A song that has helped me when I feel lost on my way and tempted, but gives me the courage to keep going and doing the right thing is: Many Rivers to Cross.

Many rivers to cross

But I can't seem to find my way over

Wandering I am lost

As I travel along the white cliffs of dover

 

Many rivers to cross

And it's only my will that keeps me alive

I've been licked, washed up for years

And I merely survive because of my pride

 

And this loneliness won't leave me alone

It's such a drag to be on your own

My woman left me and she didn't say why

Well, I guess I'll have to cry

 

Many rivers to cross

But just where to begin I'm playing for time

There have been times I find myself

Thinking of committing some dreadful crime

 

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross

But I can't seem to find my way over

Wandering, I am lost

As I travel along the white cliffs of Dover

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross

And I merely survive because of my will...

There are so many great reggae songs, I could go on and still leave out an essential one. I decided to end (it’s late!) on the song that encourages me to be a better person. Thinking about it and listening it to it now to transcribe it, makes me feel like it is so much more than a song. It is a lesson on how to live.  Its called Pass it On.

What your hands do,

It's your own eyes that've seen.

So won't you judge your actions

To make sure the results are clean?

 

It's your own conscience

That is gonna remind you

That it's your heart and nobody else's

That is gonna judge.

 

Be not selfish in your doings:

Pass it on. (Pass it on, children)

Help your brothers (help them) in their needs:

Pass it on.

 

Live for yourself and you will live in vain;

Live for others, you will live again.

 

In the kingdom of Jah,

Man shall reign.

Pass it on;

Pass it on;

Pass it on;

Pass it on.

 

What's in the darkness

Must be revealed to light.

We're not here to judge what's good from bad

But to do the things that are right.

 

On a hot, sunny day,

Follow the shadows for rescue.

But as the day grows old,

I know the sun is gonna find you.

 

Be not selfish in your doings:

Pass it on.

Help your brothers in their needs:

Pass it on.

 

Live for yourself, you will live in vain;

Live for others, you will live again. 

Full Moon Party at the Bomba Shack

Every Full moon in Tortola, there is a huge party at the Bomba Shack. The shack itself is only about 500 square feet made of driftwood, but people come from surrounding islands and plan their vacations around this giant celebration held on the beach surrounding the shack.

I had been hearing about this amazing party and couldn’t wait until the next full moon here. I heard everyone trips on magic mushrooms at these parties. As a child, growing up in San Francisco and Morocco with alternative parents, I had heard about hallucinogenic magic mushrooms. Eddie told me that they grow from cow patties, but when we walked up to the pasture on the hill, we came up empty handed. Eddie explained that they grow in the same place, from the same patty, if the weather is moist. He showed me the poisonous mushroom that we should avoid.

I wasn’t in the mood for a wild party like in NYC, but I did not know what I was in for. People came from all walks of life – old, young, rich, bohemian, locals, travelers and the atmosphere couldn’t have been better! it happens every Full Moon – this felt special, as if it were a genuine happening that people speak of like Woodstock. I find it extraordinary that on this one night, at this one humble place, hundreds of people gather with no boundaries.

New friends we made, Andy and Theo had picked some of their own magic mushrooms and offered some to Eddie and I. Eddie decided to refrain and be our chaperone, but I decided to have an experience.

Eddie danced for hours to the steel drum orchestra – complete with 4 sopranos, 4 altos, 4 tenors, 4 baritones and 4 base steel drums. They also had congas and other drums in this enormous group that you would imagine sounding cacophonous, but was the most beautiful sounding ensemble!  We all roared with laughter, finding it the most absurd image when the band packed up a small truck with all these drums. Knowing the steep hills this truck would climb with the instruments, we amused ourselves thinking of the sound they would make as they tumbled out of the truck down the hills of Tortola.

As I got higher from the mushrooms, the night felt like I was in Jack Kerouac novel. I felt connected to him in a way that my life was in actuality just like his. Everything in my life was a stream of consciousness and rambling perfection. I had long admired him, but now realized there it was simply a matter of perspective that the mushrooms were giving me.

Eddie and I took a walk alone down the beach and shared some very intimate moments. We laughed and just enjoyed the closeness. As we passed by Sebastians Hotel, He said, “ I am falling in love with you all over again. I knew what he meant because I feel the same way with him. Our relationship inhabits many realms and this one is this innocent, young love in which we fall in love all over again and again. We were hugging and loving eachother when we felt another presence with us. We looked down to see the sweetest old dog. This dog was really old and the wisdom and charisma of a guru.  We spent so much time with him proclaiming our love for him.

We finished the night, which was now dawn with a swim. We giggled until we couldn’t breathe. As I went to sleep, I wished that the knowledge I experienced this night about love, magic and happiness would shine a light on the rest of my days. It was such a wonderful night, but I didn’t want to remember this simple as a happy trip. It was a great night!

The driftwood shack has signs painted by a man named “Bomba”. The signs are how to have a good time at the full moon. People leave personal belongings as momentos. It is thoroughly charming. People line the shack eating barbecue and the entire beach that surrounds it.  Psychedelic mushrooms are only illegal when sold in Tortola, but vendors with trays of mushrooms calling out like a ballpark vendor, “mushrooms!” It is, however, not illegal to imbibe magic mushrooms!