We returned to Brewer’s Bay today and back to the reality that Eddie is LEAVING! During the dreamy, perfection of the last few days on Rogue’s Bay, I was happily living in denial that he would leave. Now I am in shock. How could he leave paradise? What in NYC could ever compare to what we just experienced the past few days? It’s incomprehensible to me.
He left me for a few hours to go off with Andy and Theo while I cried and cried. It makes me feel insufficient and he is unfulfilled to be with me. I was thinking that he would change his mind after everything we experienced the last few days, in which we didn’t discuss the subject whatsoever.
While he was away, I came up with several plans to make him change his mind. The first idea was to pull away, be very aloof and confident, as if I don’t need him. The next was to be very supportive of him and encouraging him to go. Then, I decided that I would live how I originally envisioned living purely off the land, complete with composting, gathering of water, food, building my own shelter. I would return to Rogue’s Bay by myself. This was my opportunity. I will learn a lot while he is away, being in solitude. I will define who I am with nothing but nature and myself. I realized both of our dreams are separate and the fact that we want to do something different is no reflection of our love for each other.
I shared this when he returned and we became very tender, holding each other so sweetly. We had our first Caribbean dinner party with Theo, Andy and Mervin. Eddie cooked of course.
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